


Lullaby

by yukiscorpio



Category: Tennis no Oujisama | Prince of Tennis
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2007-03-06
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:14:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 26,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29703195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukiscorpio/pseuds/yukiscorpio
Summary: Sanada realised there was a lot about Yukimura he never knew about.
Relationships: Sanada Genichirou/Yanagi Renji/Yukimura Seiichi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published on LJ on 6 March 2007 (up to chapter 10).

Whenever the sword was in his hands, Sanada felt a particular pulse through his body much like when he gripped his tennis racket and stepped onto a court, a crowd cheering _Rikkaidai! Rikkaidai!_ behind him. He had known the sword even longer than he had tennis, practising the art since he was a young child. It was probably even more natural to him than tennis, but with the sword he never had any opponent other than himself and when he fought, he always fought alone.

Yukimura was there, watching, Sanada knew in the corner of his mind. His steps were heavy and solid, pounding on the wooden floor with one loud thump after another, but each swing of the sword was fast, slicing through the air to give a clean sound. Sanada always did better when Yukimura was there, perhaps because Yukimura was his cheering crowd of one person. Despite this crowd of one always falling asleep — which should be happening around now — it was there and it gave him strength.

Sanada continued on. The light was waning outside, illuminating the dojo with a reddish light and telling him he was spending longer than usual with his practice, but he did not stop until he, and his imaginary opponent, could barely stand. He put the sword away and wiped his face with a wet flannel, then crossed the dojo floor towards Yukimura. Even after the extra half hour practice — and therefore extra half hour of sleep for Yukimura — he was reluctant to test if his captain was awake or not.

Yukimura lay on his side, boneless, his hair like water flowing over his face. Sanada walked a bit closer, his steps light and soundless, but somehow Yukimura must have sensed his approach. Waking slowly, dark eyes opened and fingers brushed hair away from the face to see what was going on. It had always been this way. It was something Sanada no longer questioned but simply accepted, along with many other things that surrounded Yukimura.

Sometimes Sanada was glad he wasn't Yanagi, who needed to know the reason before he could come to terms with something. To this day, Sanada knew, Yanagi still could not fully accept that Yukimura had been sick and almost lost his life. Yukimura's sickness was extremely rare, with only a handful of cases recorded around the world. The doctors treated it, but they did not know what caused it. Without knowing the reason, Yanagi had confided in Sanada once, he simply could not handle it in his head. And was it the sickness that had been cured, or was it just the symptoms? If nobody knew what it was, did it not mean it might come back? Yukimura probably had the answer, although Sanada never dared to ask.

"Genichirou?"

"A...ah." Sanada took Yukimura's hand and helped him up.

Sanada's room was fairly large, enough to have two futons laid out on the floor and still leaving plenty of walking room. When he had showered, Yukimura had already got the futons out of the cupboard, and got changed. For a moment Sanada wondered if this would be all right, since Yukimura was used to western style beds, not futons on a tatami-covered floor. Over the years, Yukimura had slept over countless of times, but he was not the same as before. This would be the first time Yukimura stayed over since his operations and subsequent recovery. The last time had been months and months ago.

A pillow struck Sanada on the head. "You've been spacing out all day."

"Sorry." Sanada mumbled, then got ready to sleep. When he switched the light off, he almost got tripped over by Yukimura's feet (had he grown taller even though he spent so much time lying in a hospital bed?), but after his eyes got used to the darkness he could see quite clearly again.

"You did really well today," Yukimura said. He was lying on his side, facing Sanada.

"In what?"

"The gekiken."

"Like you would know," Sanada snorted, "you were asleep the moment you hit the floor."

"I like that floor," Yukimura said, a smile curling the corners of his lips, "and I slept extra well because there was a good 'thump, thump, swish, hn!'" He attempted to imitate Sanada's grunt, which made his friend roll his eyes. This was the only reaction Sanada could have. The fact that Yukimura watched him practise often did not mean he was ever interested enough in the art to go and learn more about it. After such a long time, kendo to Yukimura was still about stomping around on the dojo floor whilst waving a sword around rather madly. But perhaps it was better this way. If Yukimura became interested and started to learn, Sanada had no doubt he would lose to him in no time. And he would really rather not see that happen.

"I don't know how you can sleep like that. Gekiken is not a lullaby."

"It is for me." Yukimura's smile became wider, turning into a grin when Sanada frowned at him. "Next time I'd like to see you fight the enemy of straw again."

It took Sanada a while to figure out what his friend meant. "With a picture of your face pinned onto it."

Yukimura rolled onto his back and laughed.

"I should have left you to sleep at the dojo," Sanada said, turning away. "Good night."

"Mmmm. Night."

There were things Sanada wanted to say. _It's nice to have you back. I missed you. I'm so glad you're okay. Are you comfortable on the futon?_ — but he did not dare to. Ever since Yukimura was declared fully recovered, he had not mentioned the sickness at all, not even once. And then there was the incident in the club room today...

As his friend, perhaps he should say something...

"Seiichi..."

"Hm?"

Sanada turned around towards Yukimura, who tilted his face just enough for their eyes to meet in the semi-darkness. "About today..." he started, and saw the light in Yukimura's eyes flicker. It made Sanada hesitate, but he pushed his words out anyway. "I don't... I... do you mind if I take a look?"

The warmth in Yukimura's gaze was gone. He pulled the blanket up to his shoulders and tucked them around himself better. "I do."

"But, Seiichi."

"I do mind."

"A lot of people have scars. There is no need to be uncomfortable with them."

Everyone was aware that Yukimura was still alive thanks to a series of operations, the last of which he nearly did not wake up from. What they had forgotten was that operations meant scars. Yukimura was good at hiding them, until this afternoon, when Kirihara said something that made him spin around while changing in the club room. Sanada had never seen the whole club suddenly fall silent the way it did.

"A lot of people have them, so I'd prefer not to be gaped at like an exhibit."

"That's not—" But it was true. People were curious. Sanada was, too.

"No."

Whatever argument Sanada still had was left unspoken. Yukimura didn't often reject him with such finality. "Sorry."

It was quiet again. Sanada didn't worry about it; this was not the first time they disagreed over something and it would not be the last. Come morning things would be all right again. But was refusing to face something the right way to deal with it? This didn't sound like the Yukimura Sanada knew.

"Hey, I heard something interesting from Renji today."

"What?" They were never going to get to sleep at this rate, but Sanada didn't care.

"That girl wanted to get back together with you."

How did Renji find out about that... "Ah."

"Well?"

"I turned her down."—

"How come?"

"I don't know." They had broken up because between tennis and school, Sanada had no time left for her - or put it another way, Sanada was unwilling to sacrifice time from other things for her sake. She wasn't a 'trophy girlfriend', as people sometimes called it, but he merely agreed to go out with her because he was curious about girls and dating. Nothing had changed, Sanada still preferred tennis, school and friends, so there was no point in getting back together. But that sounded far too harsh to speak out loud.

"I still think she's very brave, to have asked you out."

Sanada agreed; he never saw himself as the approachable kind of person. But that didn't mean Yukimura should make fun of him like that. Although, come to think of it, he had spent the last few years being teased by Yukimura anyway.

"And all those who ask you out are just wasting their time. You and Renji both."

"Well." Yukimura shifted in his futon.

"Don't you like any of them?" Yukimura had an enviable amount of girls wanting to date him, but none had been successful so far.

Yukimura turned his head to look at Sanada again. "You mean you don't know?"

"What?" Meeting Yukimura's eyes, Sanada tried to figure out what Yukimura meant, but that was something Yanagi excelled in, not him.

It seemed like there was something on the edge of Yukimura's lips, but he decided against saying it at the last moment. "You haven't seen it, then." He sounded relieved, yet disappointed.

"Seen what?"

"Nothing. We really should sleep. Good night."

"...Good night."

When Sanada fell asleep, he dreamt of Yukimura, shirtless, standing in a white space that stretched towards infinity. When he reached out, despite Yukimura's warnings, and touched the scar that ran all the way from the navel to the collarbone, Yukimura turned into a bunch of straws and fell apart, piece by piece. And in Sanada's hand was a sword. He gasped. He had no idea this would happen.

"Don't you know?" Yukimura's voice rang in the vast white space as the last piece of straw fell to the ground. It was neither accusing nor sad, just questioning, with more than a hint of surprise. "You haven't seen it, then."

"Seen what?" Sanada asked the pile of straws on the ground.

"Sing me a lullaby, Genichirou," the voice said, "then I'll tell you."

The sword in Sanada's hands glowed with light. He tried to do his usual gekiken routine, but he had no cheering crowd, just a pile of straws watching him. He lost his rhythm half way through.

"That was rubbish," said the straws, "I'm not going to tell you my secrets. Goodbye, Genichirou."

Sanada tried to say something, but knowing he was the only one to blame, he found no excuses to make Yukimura stay. He grasped at the straws, but they disappeared in his hands.

Sanada woke up twisting the blankets with his hands. In the dark, Yukimura was half sitting up, a hand resting on Sanada's shoulder. "Bad dream?"

Sanada didn't answer the question. "Sorry, did I wake you?"

Yukimura shook his head. He got up, shifted his futon right up against Sanada's, and moved his pillow closer.

The next morning, Sanada found Yukimura sprawled atop him in a rather undignified pose and perpendicular to the way he was originally sleeping. It took a great deal of effort to wake him up and Sanada knew for definite, then, that the old Yukimura was back.


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn't anything new. The tennis club was different when Yukimura was there. They were still more like an army than a club, but Yukimura's presence could neutralise much of the aggression between members. There was more laughter and more encouragement, even if Yukimura's ways were equally, if not harsher than Sanada's. That was just the way things were.

"I wouldn't think about it too much," Yanagi walked up to Sanada, who was outside Court A to watch a practice match between Kirihara and Niou. "If Seiichi was here without you, the club would lack something as well. The key lies in achieving the balance."

Niou took the game. Sanada's gaze turned towards Yanagi for a brief moment. "Perhaps." He wasn't sure if he liked how Yanagi seemed to be able to read his mind most of the time. He had almost got used to it, but that was not to say it didn't creep him out. "I talked to him about what happened in the club room yesterday."

"Oh?"

"He didn't want to say anything. I don't know, maybe he just didn't want to talk to me about it."

"I doubt that being the case," said Yanagi, "but I will try as well."

"Also, Renji," this was not the time or place to ask, but what harm could there be? "There's something I don't understand." He repeated part of last night's conversation about dating, not forgetting to tell Yanagi to stop being so 'concerned' about his love life.

The gentle instruction was promptly ignored. "I am surprised that you haven't realised," Yanagi tapped his lips with a finger, musing. "Although you do have a tendency to overlook the obvious. It is Seiichi's personal matter, though."

"And who I am or am not dating isn't personal matter?"

Yanagi arched an eyebrow, and pushed Sanada aside just before a tennis ball could smash itself into Sanada's tall nose. At Court B, Yukimura glared at the pair disapprovingly.

"I believe that means twenty laps plus squatting jumps for slacking off. Come on, Genichirou."

When they ran past Yukimura, the captain smiled at them wickedly and waved. Sanada did not wave back.

"Getting back to where we left off," said Yanagi as they turned a corner, "I suppose I could tell you, since Seiichi had given me permission to do so a long time ago in case such a scenario arises. It's just that neither of us thought you could be quite so... slow."

"Hn."

"Seiichi only likes boys."

Sanada only reacted 10 metres later. "What?"

"He is gay." Yanagi watched Sanada miss a step, almost tripping over.

"Wait... I'm not sure if I am comprehending this correctly."

"I don't think I can put it any more bluntly than this. I don't like to use vulgarity." Yanagi said, sighing. "Seiichi likes cock. Do you understand now?"

Sanada drew a sharp breath. "He's..." he couldn't say the word.

"Gay. Is it that surprising?"

 _Yes!_ "I... haven't thought that might be the case."

"Personally I think it is obvious. He is quite androgynous at times, and pays no attention to girls."

"Yes, but..." Sanada had never thought about this whole sexuality thing. Because they had more or less grown up together, there were a lot of things about Yukimura that just _were_ and Sanada simply accepted without ever thinking about it again. 

They turned another corner. "Even if you are uncomfortable with it, try not to show it in front of him. You are his best friend, despite having been completely clueless. It would be terrible if you distanced yourself from him because of this."

"I'm not uncomfortable."

"Your loss of composure is suggesting otherwise. Although, there is a high probability that you are just recovering from the initial shock."

"I'd rather you stop analysing this right now."

"Fine. I shall not do it in front of you."

Sanada liked Yanagi, but at times like this, he really wished Yanagi could be less... annoying. Less perceptive. And less sneaky like a ninja. Perhaps tonight he could pin a picture of Yanagi's face onto the Enemy of Straw; it would help relieve some frustration.

After practice, Yukimura decided to use the school showers, and Sanada took his time to think, although he didn't actually know what to think. He wanted to know how Yanagi knew, but with everyone else also present, it was impossible to ask right away. There were so many questions he had that he wasn't sure if he truly wanted the answers for, in case he wasn't able to look at Yukimura in the eye again, after finding out.

"Are you still not done?"

Yukimura had already finished showering. Sanada quickly pulled on his school shirt and buttoned it up, suddenly self-conscious. He jerked away from Yukimura's hand when Yukimura tried to help him, and adjusted the collar himself. What was Yukimura looking at, just now? If he really was _homosexual_ , wouldn't being in the club room everyday be to him like being in a girls' changing room to a normal teenage boy?

Confusion took over Yukimura's features for a brief moment, but he shrugged and slung the tennis bag over a shoulder. "We'll be late for the meeting. Let's go."

When Yukimura left the room, Yanagi appeared from behind the door of his locker. "Genichirou," he said, stopping Sanada just before he left the room as well, "that was too obvious and entirely unnecessary."

Yanagi's tone was the usual one, dispassionate and matter-of-fact, but Sanada ducked guiltily, adjusted his baseball cap and muttered an apology that should be directed at the one who had already left the room, before leaving also.

At the monthly club meeting, because this was the first time Yukimura attended since coming back at full health, all the other clubs' captains gave him a round of applause. Yukimura flushed a shade of red Sanada had never seen before, even in their toughest tennis games, but accepted the gesture gracefully and said nothing.

The meeting was, as always, a boring affair. It was a means of bringing all the captains together to create a sense of competition, but Sanada could never bring himself to care about what was happening in other clubs, apart from the kendo club, which had given their update before the tennis club. After Sanada had done his bit, he switched off from it completely. It was, all in all, a monthly event which even the data-collector Yanagi would find dull.

Usually, Sanada entertained himself by watching Yukimura doodle. Yukimura was far from being an artist, but his stick figures were... special, for the lack of a better description. Today, though, the tip of Yukimura's pen hovered over the notepad, not touching it for a long time and when it did, it wasn't to draw the Rikkai tennis team members as animals.

_What were_

Yukimura wrote, stopped, then crossed out the words again and again until they disappeared under a mess of criss-crossing lines. Sanada would pretend to not have noticed, but he was never good at pretending, so he nudged Yukimura with an elbow instead. His friend shook his head, then set to disassemble and reassemble his pen, fingers fidgeting in a state of tension Sanada had never seen before, not even when they talked about the operation that his life depended upon.

Just when the meeting ended, Yukimura's phone vibrated twice. Sanada managed to read that Yanagi wanted to talk to Yukimura in private and would visit him tonight if possible. He pulled on his baseball cap and pretended not to have seen it, and that he didn't want to flinch away when Yukimura petted him on the arm when they separated on their way home. But Yukimura probably knew anyway, since Sanada was so bad at pretending.

Back home, it was the usual routine — homework, dinner, homework, and kendo or calligraphy if he had any time left in the night. Probably not today since the mid-term tests were next week and Sanada would really rather not fail music again and be laughed at by Kirihara. Who in the world needed to know names of composers and positions of instruments in an orchestra to get on with their lives, anyway? At least he was top of the class in English. Knowing how to say "my friend is very sick, please save him" had to be far more important than being able to recite Chopin's life history...

_...Seiichi was gay._

The tip of Sanada's pen stopped moving when the thought suddenly crept up on him. Ink soaked into paper, forming a large blue dot around the silver tip. Frowning at himself, he banished the thought and focussed on revision again.

Gay. Liked boys. That was like, a man, but not a real man. Camp, having romantic feelings for other boys and wanting to—

Oh God.

Why did Renji have to tell him? He could have lived his life completely happily without this knowledge. And, if Seiichi and Renji had discussed this before and Renji was given permission to tell... well, why didn't Seiichi just tell him himself? Why was this kept a secret from him?

He should stop thinking about this. It was a difficult topic for anyone to bring into a conversation. Except, the two of them had a common secret and—

—no. Forget this. He was too old for this playground mentality. If something was kept from him, he shouldn't start getting bitter about it straight away. Sometimes he talked to Renji about things he didn't necessarily mention to Seiichi, too. That was just the way things were. It wasn't necessarily anything personal.

Not necessarily.

So what was it that Renji wanted to talk to Seiichi about, in private? "I've told Genichirou and he freaked out"? Couldn't all three of them sit down and talk about it openly?

Screw this. He would talk to them tomorrow.

Sanada put his books away and went to bed.

That night, he dreamt of pinning a photo of Renji onto the Enemy of Straw and stabbing it repeatedly with a blue pen, so that ink splattered all over Renji's face, like blood.


	3. Chapter 3

Yukimura was there already.

The sound of crunching gravel stopped as Sanada paused to look at the figure jogging around the courts. Even though his cheeks were pink and a mild sheen of sweat covered his skin, Yukimura's eyes stayed focused, chasing something in front of him that Sanada could not see. Right now, Yukimura looked completely masculine, not even a boy, but a man, a man who faced his illness fearlessly and triumphed. There was not a trace of that illness on him anymore, and no evidence of it having ever affected him, except for those scars from the numerous surgeries Yukimura braved through.

That was another thing Sanada meant to talk to Yukimura about. But that could be left for later. He meant to talk to him about... what Renji revealed the other day, and that was why he came to school early today. It had been a few days since Sanada found out he had been kept in the dark about things a best friend should know. But every time Sanada tried to bring up the subject, someone would walk in on the conversation or something would come up and distract them.

Right now, nobody else was anywhere near the courts yet. He should use this chance. "Seiichi," he called out, catching Yukimura's attention, "we need to talk. Could you...?"

"Sure." Yukimura changed direction and jogged back towards the club room, going inside with Sanada. "What is it?" Instead of taking a seat, he bent down and stretched his calves.

 _Do you really like guys?_ The question was on the edge of Sanada's lips, but it refused to be voiced. Yukimura was the high school tennis champion. At this moment he was working hard to keep this title and bring up a team. Yes, sometimes his voice could be quite soft, and he did have long hair and a very pretty face, but he wasn't a girl. He didn't have pictures of boybands on the door of his locker, wasn't interested in make up, never fussed about his hair, or did anything that suggested he liked what girls liked. Surely he couldn't be... gay. Maybe Yanagi said that as a joke or as yet another way to test his reactions. Except Yanagi would not joke about something like this.

"I... heard from Renji the other day, that, that..." the words were just not coming out. What if he was wrong? It would more than just offend Yukimura. It would be saying 'I think you look gay.'

One leg done, Yukimura stretched the other one. He held his pose, steady, unmoving, not looking up. "What did he say?"

Sanada heard the apprehension in Yukimura's voice and the knot in his tongue tightened. "N-nothing. It's nothing." It wasn't, his mind kept saying, but he ignored it. He tried to look for something more normal to talk about instead. "You seem to be training harder than before."

"Not really." Yukimura started jogging on the spot, to help keep his body warmed-up. Sanada sighed; it was easy to tell, even for someone like him, that his captain would rather be running than talking.

"I'll join you in a minute," he said and watched Yukimura dash out of the room. There was eager, and then there was Yukimura-eager. While Sanada thought how Yukimura once said he had "nothing but tennis" was over-the-top, the captain's love for the sport was unquestionable. Ever since he had been given the all-clear to play as much as he wanted, he had been the first to arrive and the last to leave.

Wait. Had he? It seemed to have been more recent than that...

The door opened. "Good morning," Yagyuu appeared, followed by Yanagi. They both looked out the window, eyes following their captain's movements. "Was he first in again?"

Sanada nodded. Everyone's eyebrows knotted slightly. "That's not good. He isn't comfortable around us anymore."

"What do you mean?" Sanada looked at Yagyuu.

"Yukimura-kun has been coming in before us and leaving last or using the shower, so that he doesn't need to expose himself in front of us. He clearly doesn't want us to see his scars."

"Seiichi is not vain," Yanagi said, opening his locker and getting changed, "nor is he a coward who would want to pretend nothing had happened. I have tried talking to him about this. I think I have gained an opening, and I'll try to probe a bit further... although, there is a chance that this is beyond us."

Sanada's mind whirled. Now that he thought about it, Yukimura's daily patterns changed only after that time everyone saw his scars. Just what else hadn't he noticed?

"Renji... what do you mean by 'beyond us'?"

"It's not unusual for someone who has recovered from a life-threatening illness to exhibit behavioural changes. Seiichi's sickness even paralysed him at some point. It could be possible that he needs medical help."

"Like, a psychiatrist?"

"That is one of the possibilities, yes." Yanagi zipped up his mustard yellow jersey, his hands shaking ever so slightly. "The chance is low, but it is there."

Yanagi was prone to being sucked into a whirl of negativity, Sanada knew, but even taking that into account, that there even being a slim chance Yukimura was bearing some sort of emotional turmoil and all he had done was ask if he could see the scars... but, it was Yukimura Seiichi they were talking about. Yukimura Seiichi never faltered.

"No, I think you are wrong." He closed his locker and headed out. "Come on, we'll get started before the others get here."

This was not 'denial', Sanada told himself, but rather 'not believing what is not yet proven'. He never let Renji's pessimism affect him before, he wasn't going to let it start now.

At the end of morning practice, Yukimura prodded Sanada with the head of his racket. "What are you doing this weekend?"

"Nothing much. Cleaning the dojo. And sword practice. My grandfather's been telling me off for slacking."

"Can I stay over?" Yukimura asked, and added when Sanada hesitated, "I won't get in the way."

"Of course." Sanada adjusted his baseball cap. It wasn't unusual for his friends to stay over, but it felt strange, given the way things were. Though perhaps he was the only one who was feeling strange.

"And Renji?" Yukimura turned to Yanagi, who was standing several feet away. Sanada tilted his head towards the boy inquisitively. It had been a while since all three of them spent some quiet time together.

Yanagi snapped out of whatever train of thought he was on. "I..." Long lashes lowered, making Yanagi's eyes look almost closed, "I'd love to, but only Saturday, if that is all right. I have other commitments on Sunday."

Yanagi sounded unusually distant. Or it could be that he was starting to doubt everything, Sanada thought. Spending time together would be good. Perhaps he would find a chance to talk to them frankly about what had been bothering him recently, and to Seiichi about his concerns.

Sanada found himself both looking forward to and dreading the weekend.

*

Just as Sanada had said, there was no plan, and not much to do. After spending Friday night and Saturday morning on homework, Yukimura helped with cleaning the dojo, then sat down with a book as Sanada practised. Or, at least, he started off sitting, but was eventually lying down on the cold wooden floor, as Sanada expected. There was something about this wood, perhaps. Or something about the sword. Maybe Yukimura found it comforting, too? The sword was forged steel, a live blade that could cut skin and flesh just by brushing against it. The concentration required to wield such a blade, at first, was exhausting, but as time went on, Sanada found it strangely soothing. He could become so focused on the sword that everything else would be tuned out — except for other bodies, living people he had to be aware of and watch out for. Now, as he twisted his arms and sliced the air from right to left, he could tell Yukimura's elbow had touched the floor, followed by a shoulder, and when the slice twisted and became a stab, Yukimura was lying down, the book forgotten beside him.

Sanada stopped and sheathed the sword. "Seiichi. Do you want to do something else instead?"

"Hm, no, don't mind me. You had a good rhythm going."

"We could have a game if you want."

"No slacking on the gekiken." Yukimura waved dismissively. "Go."

Sanada padded towards the door and looked out. "Funny. It's dry."

"What?"

"You just turned down tennis. I thought there would be red rain outside."

"I'm being nice and letting you practise so that you don't get into trouble. Now be grateful and practise."

So Sanada did. He became unaware of time as he picked up the routine again, and let the swing of the sword sweep him away.

At some point, he noticed the quiet opening of the door, and that his silent cheering crowd of one had doubled to two. He ignored them for the time being, carrying on until the sweat on his lashes made him unable to see clearly any longer, then put the sword away and turned to his friends.

Yanagi was on the floor beside Yukimura, both of them on their sides, watching. He pushed himself up when Sanada approached, and smiled. "That was very impressive, Genichirou."

Sanada nodded in thanks. "Is there something special about this floor?"

Yanagi glanced at Yukimura, who smiled a bit mischievously, before replying, "it's quite comfortable."

The only times Sanada had laid on that floor were when he was too exhausted to move, and even then he would not call it comfortable. He arched an eyebrow at the two but somehow knew it wasn't something that would be explained to him, so he left it. It wouldn't be the first time he was left out of something, anyway.

He extended both hands and pulled them up before going to shower. When he came out, Yanagi and Yukimura were sitting at the low table set out in the centre of his bedroom, nursing cups of green tea and playing shogi. A third cup of tea was waiting for him.

He felt eyes on him — Yanagi's or Yukimura's? — as he entered the room and searched for a shirt to wear. When he put one on and turned around, Yanagi nodded at him with approval.

Sanada shrugged. Of course Yanagi would be able to tell this was deliberate, to show that he wasn't afraid or uncomfortable. But in truth, there were more reasons than just that: it was a step to convince himself he was comfortable, and a hint to Yukimura that there was no need to be body shy, for whatever reason.

Yanagi nudged a piece forward. Sanada's browns knotted; that wasn't the best move available. Yukimura gleefully took one of Yanagi's pieces, but his hand paused mid-air as he was taken by a flash of thought. Then he put it down and scooted back to lean against the wall.

He had noticed Yanagi was going easy on him.

Yanagi smiled apologetically. "You are still new to shogi and should be given a chance to become familiar with all the moves open to you."

Yukimura sighed. "But I don't like playing like that." A small frown marred his features. Sanada sat down and drank his tea. It was the same when Yukimura first came back to tennis, obviously weakened from hospitalisation but still insisting for the others to play him as normal. "The quickest path from A to B is a straight line," he had said. But that straight line turned out to be a steep upward climb and the memory of Yukimura struggling to breathe after only three games was not one Sanada liked to recall.

Those surgery scars came to mind again. Suddenly the knowledge of Yukimura liking men mattered very little. It shouldn't have mattered to start with. Yes, there was the issue of not trusting him with the knowledge, but compared with Yukimura having had a close encounter with death and was probably still dealing with the aftermath, a thing such as special preference in gender seemed so fickle.

Sanada stared into his tea, then drained it. Right, that was it. So maybe Yukimura liked cock. But more importantly, Yukimura was _alive_. He could like cock as much as he wanted, Sanada wasn't going to have a problem with it. He would try to put exactly how he found out behind him, as well. Or just tell them gently that he didn't want to be left in the dark in the future.

He slammed the empty cup down on the table, making all the shogi pieces jump. Suddenly, he felt much better.

Yanagi seemed to have guessed Sanada's trail of thought. "Genichirou," he smiled. Sanada nodded.

Yukimura sat forward and looked on curiously, as if he knew something just happened and he had missed it. When neither of his friends spoke, he pulled a face at them and laughed.

And Sanada realised then, sometimes each of them was kept in the dark about something. And when it was just between the three of them, there was no need to dwell on it; they would all understand each other eventually.

The rest of the day went in a flash. Late in the night, they got ready to sleep. Yukimura got changed in the bathroom. Yanagi chose the futon next to the wall. Sanada switched off the light.

"You're not staying tomorrow, Renji?" Sanada asked.

"It wouldn't be convenient." Yanagi's voice was so soft it could barely be heard even in the quietness. There was no sound apart from soft rustling when Yukimura turned in his futon. It seemed like he was already asleep, but he spoke after a while.

"It'll be winter break soon. Let's have lots of sleepovers then."

"That'd be nice." Sanada liked the idea. But Renji's response was a more non-committal "we'll see".

Sanada was the first to fall asleep, on the futon between his two friends.

In his dream, Yanagi and Yukimura were in his room playing shogi. It was Yukimura's turn. Yanagi sipped his green tea, set the cup down then turned to Sanada, who sat at the table also, the weave of the tatami pressing into the skin of his crossed legs and leaving indentations.

"So do you know what Seiichi meant when he said 'you haven't seen it'?" Yanagi asked. Yukimura seemed totally focused on the game and was not listening at all.

Sanada shook his head. "No... but I think I will find out, eventually."

"Perhaps," Yanagi's long fingers curled around his cup, not minding the heat, "perhaps not. We'll see."

Sanada was about to ask what Yanagi meant, but Yukimura made his move then and looked up. "Your turn."

As Yanagi contemplated his options, Yukimura leaned back and stretched, kicking his friends hard under the table. Surprised, they both jumped, knocking the table, and the shogi pieces on the board went everywhere.

They probably all laughed, Sanada wasn't sure, since he felt a weight on his chest and woke to find Yukimura using him as a pillow, again. He tried to nudge himself away, but Yanagi was on the other side, turned towards him and there wasn't much space left to move.

Sanada sighed, gave up and went back to sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

Yanagi had a book in his hands, but he wasn't reading it. Instead, he was chuckling as Sanada pried Yukimura's fingers off his pyjamas and struggled to push him off without hurting him somehow. Yukimura was a deep sleeper who would not wake without an alarm or a considerable amount of shaking, but Sanada always tried to be very careful.

Closing his book, Yanagi gave up any pretence that he was trying to read. "He isn't going to break," he said, amused by the way Sanada was handling Yukimura like he was made of porcelain.

"I know, but—" Sanada once again tried, and failed, to worm his way out from under Yukimura. At this moment, Yanagi reached for the phone next to his pillow and took a picture. "Renji!"

"The two most formidable high school tennis players in Japan." Yanagi turned the phone around and showed Sanada the photo. "I wonder who would like a copy of this picture."

Sanada muttered unpleasantries under his breath, but blinked in surprise when Yanagi scooted over and leaned against them, snapping a picture of all three of them together. Then he left Sanada to continue his plight whilst he got hold of the other two's phones and sent the pictures to them.

He considered waking Yukimura up, finally. Pulling his arm out would mean elbowing Yukimura in the chin, but the boy deserved it. In the past this might not bother him so much, but now that he knew Yukimura didn't like girls, this just seemed totally embarrassing and wrong.

"Why don't you let him sleep for a while longer? He was awake for a long time last night."

"Really?" If anyone knew how to guilt trip Sanada, it would be Yanagi.

Yanagi nodded. Sanada wasn't dumb enough to not realise this meant Yanagi slept late, too, otherwise he wouldn't have known.

"No, you didn't snore." Yanagi offered before Sanada asked. He got up. "I am going downstairs to see if Sanada-san needs any help with breakfast."

Sanada sighed. He could stay put for a little longer, since it was impossible for him to be humiliated any further anyway, after those photos. Half an hour. After half an hour he would wake Yukimura up. This could be another test to show that he fully accepted Yukimura for who he was.

He did find it easier to deal with, after the decision the night before. Even with Yukimura clinging on to him like that, he was less bothered by it than he would have been a few days ago. It was like having gained a new perspective to look at something. It may be frightening at first, but it was still the same thing he was looking at, just seeing more details he had not noticed before.

Renji must be affecting him. He was starting to come up with strange analogies for situations.

The body clinging to Sanada flipped over. Yukimura's top rode up a little, exposing stomach muscles and...

Scars.

Sanada stared. There were a few smaller ones, but the longest scar, the one that rendered him speechless the first time he saw it in the club room, was a 20-inch line that ran from down the centre of Yukimura's body. He could see the tail end of it, now. It was a hideous, ugly thing, only a very thin line but still obvious. It reminded Sanada of the frog he had to dissect for biology class. Once sliced open, the teacher told him to use pins to secure the flaps of skin so that he could examine the inside easily...

Before he knew it, he was reaching down with his free arm and pulling up Yukimura's pyjama top bit by bit. Yukimura had been cut open, just like the frog, except the frog was dead but Yukimura still breathed. This was utterly morbid and fascinating—

One of Yukimura's hands let go of Sanada and grabbed hold of the piece of clothing, making it stay where it was as he jerked awake. Sanada pulled his hand away like he had touched a red hot iron.

Shit.

Yukimura got up, grabbed his pile of clothes and stumbled out for the bathroom.

Sanada had the feeling sleepovers were not going to happen over winter break.

Yanagi left in the late morning. After that, Yukimura made Sanada play tennis with him on the clay court in the Sanadas' huge garden. Even with mental preparation, Sanada was still made breathless by the defeat Yukimura gave him. He had rarely ever won against Yukimura, but anger gave him an extra edge and left Sanada collapsed on the bench after his 6-3, 6-2 loss.

He looked up from his knees when a shadow loomed over him. Yukimura lifted the black baseball cap from Sanada's head so that their eyes could meet.

"Don't do it again."

The apology was on the edge of Sanada's lips, but suddenly he was angry. If Yukimura decided to bring it up, they could very well talk about it now. "I didn't realise you were awake."

Yukimura didn't miss a beat. "I just woke."

It didn't sound like Yukimura was lying. "Why do you hate the scars so much?" Sanada stood. "They're just scars."

"Exactly. They're just scars. So leave them alone."

"You—"

"I don't want to talk about it." Yukimura turned on his heels and stormed away.

"Seiichi!" Sanada followed, baseball cap and tennis racket forgotten on the bench. "If there's something upsetting you I want you to talk to me! Running away is not you!"

Feet stopped. Yukimura turned around, but he didn't move, only waited for Sanada to catch up with him. "What do you think these are? Decorations?" He yanked up his shirt, voluntarily baring his scars for Sanada for the first time. "How am I running away? I would be in a coffin right now if I ran!"

Sanada couldn't look. The deadly fire behind Yukimura's eyes caught him. "But you spend all your energy pretending nothing happened! How's that not running away?"

Eyes narrowed. "I'm not pretending nothing happened. But something had happened and that's the only thing you all think about! Guess what, I'm still the same person, I'm not your hero or your golden phoenix! So stop thinking I'd been sick, stop searching for evidence of it, stop glorifying me over something I wish didn't happen, stop using it to define me — just stop!"

Yukimura's fingers slackened, releasing the shirt, but the look in his eyes did not change until what seemed like an eternity later, when Sanada reached forward and adjusted Yukimura's shirt so that he was properly covered again.

"Sorry."

The only other time Sanada could remember ever witnessing such an outburst from Yukimura was when Yukimura still believed he could overcome his sickness by sheer willpower, and then one day his arm lost all its strength and his racket hit the ground. This was not anywhere near the scream that Yukimura let out back then, but Sanada could tell Yukimura was about to be overcome by frustration.

"Sorry." He said again, because he didn't know what else to say. He could understand where Yukimura came from — Yukimura didn't want to be loved for the wrong reasons. Forgetting about it, or looking beyond it, would be difficult, but if Yukimura asked, he was going to try.

Yukimura closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath, held it, then sighed. "And I hate them because they're ugly."

That overthrew Yanagi's "Seiichi's not vain" statement. He would not be pleased that his data was wrong. "I didn't realise you'd worry about that."

"Try having something like that on you and you'd know how I feel."

Maybe, Sanada thought. Or maybe not. He would probably be quite proud of them, actually. "They'll fade."

"I certainly hope so; I put cream on it everyday." Yukimura walked back to retrieve the forgotten cap and racket, not looking at his friend. "Say, what did Renji tell you? The two of you have been talking about me, right?"

So today became truth-day. "Just that..." Sanada took the cap and put it back on, just in time to hide slightly shifty eyes. "...you don't like girls."

"I see." It seemed to be the answer Yukimura was expecting. In fact, there seemed to be relief in Yukimura's eyes. But was it relief that he no longer had to hide it from a friend, or that Renji did not tell an even greater secret? "Does it bother you?"

"I have been sleeping next to you for the past two nights, haven't I?"

"And if I hadn't nearly died? Would it still be the same to you?"

Sanada recognised the hard look in Yukimura's eyes. He had to answer very carefully. "You'd still be you."

Yukimura's stare was distrusting. Perhaps he knew he had been given slack because he had been sick; they had been friends for long enough for Yukimura to know the way Sanada's mind worked. But after a moment, he began to smile and his demeanour softened. "Thanks anyway."

"No, really—"

"Yes, really. Thank you." Yukimura didn't let Sanada speak. "It's going to rain soon. Let's go inside."

Yukimura was right, as he always was. Rain began to pour even before they made it indoors. Sanada looked out, and wondered if he had taken a step in the right direction but with the wrong foot. It was still a step, though, that was what Yukimura was saying.

He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. Ask Yukimura who he fancied, if he had a boyfriend, what sorts of things he imagined under the covers of his bed? Or smile and nod when Yukimura introduced him to a special someone? He was assuming Yukimura wasn't seeing anyone at the moment — it didn't seem like he was — and he just couldn't visualise Yukimura actually being with a boy. He was close to Akaya, but he treated Akaya like a little brother. There was Niou, but Niou was more like a partner in crime when it came to mischief. And there was Renji, but Renji would have just told him if they were going out. Sanada knew all of Yukimura's friends and he crossed their names out mentally, one by one. Yukimura most likely wasn't with someone right now.

It was a relieving thought.

He wondered what sort of conversations Renji had had with Yukimura, though. Knowing Renji, he probably knew all the intimate details of... things. He was the type who could ask any question politely and without showing embarrassment. It was a skill Sanada envied. Given the sort of things they had been talking about, he could just go ahead and ask Yukimura if there was anything else he needed to know, anything else Yukimura had been hiding or he had just been blind enough not to see. But Sanada's throat constricted when he tried to ask, and whatever came out became an incomprehensible jumble of words, complete with blood rushing to colour his face.

Sanada wished very hard he could be like Renji.

Yukimura looked hard at Sanada's face for a while before deciding it was okay to laugh. "No, there isn't anything else."

Yukimura left later on in the day; it seemed appropriate for them to each have some space to think after what they had talked about. Sanada tried calling Renji, but Renji's phone was engaged for a long time, making Sanada toss the phone aside in frustration. He wasn't calling Renji for all the juicy gossip, of course. He just wanted to find out a bit more about Yukimura so that he would be more... prepared.

He had to tell Renji about the issue with the scar, too. He could see why Yukimura was so reluctant to explain his feelings. It sounded ungrateful and accusing. It _was_ ungrateful and accusing, and a sign that Yukimura wasn't able to deal with the pressure. But what he said was true and it made Sanada feel so guilty that he wanted to pin his own face to the Enemy of Straw.

This was probably the first time Sanada knew something that Renji didn't. The childish part of him wanted to keep the knowledge to himself, to treat what Yukimura had told him as for his ears only, and to get Renji back for... knowing more than Sanada did. But his mind drifted back to a few days ago in the locker room, when Renji's hand trembled as he talked about his fears for Yukimura, and Sanada asked himself why he ever thought about keeping this from him. He couldn't do something like that to Renji. Being cruel to Renji would be like... kicking a puppy.

Sanada had no idea where that analogy came from.

He tried calling again, but Renji's phone was still engaged. Eventually he got through at around midnight, after he got ready to sleep and was already in the futon.

"Genichirou, do you know what time it is?"

Sanada decided not to raise the point that Renji clearly had only just got off the phone himself. "This is important." He told Renji what had happened after he left earlier. Being open and honest was so much easier than hiding something and being cruel to his best friend. As he spoke, he could imagine Renji looking surprised, and then relieved, a smile blossoming on his face as he turned on his side on the bed, eyes closed and phone sandwiched between his ear and the pillow.

"Thank you for telling me," said Renji, the smile in Sanada's mind's eyes evident in his voice, "I have done some research and found out that Seiichi is required to attend some follow-up sessions for the sickness. I believe you have helped him over a major hurdle and he will be able to talk about it much more easily then."

"He'll be fine."

"He will. We will help him."

Of course they would. But Sanada wondered if he could do it. Since recently, he felt like he hardly knew his friends anymore.

"Genichirou?" Renji asked after a bit of silence.

"I just think..." Sanada searched for the words, "it feels like things are changing and I'm not keeping up."

"We're all just growing up." Renji's voice was wistful. "Just let things come. I'm always here if you need me."

"Ah..."

"You're tired, Genichirou. Go and sleep. I will see you in school tomorrow."

"Tomorrow, then." Sanada ended the call.

Growing up.

Sanada wasn't sure if he liked that idea at all.

He took a look at the picture Renji took of the three of them together, then put the phone away and switched the light off.

That night, Sanada had a dream but he could not remember anything about it, like he had grown up before he realised and when he turned back to look, he just could not remember how it happened.


	5. Chapter 5

Sanada rubbed tired eyes when he thought nobody was looking, even though in the tennis club there never was a case when nobody was looking. A moment later, Niou's arm was on his shoulders, the boy draped over him like the Big Bad Wolf would have done to the Little Red Riding Hood, whispering wrong ideas into her ear.

"So I take it you spent the whole night watching it?" said the Bad Wolf, smirking. Sanada looked at him, confused for a moment, then his face turned red. He pushed Niou's arm away and glared, silently promising a very painful death.

Three lockers away, Yagyuu paused in the middle of buttoning up his shirt. "What have you done this time, Niou-kun?"

Niou grinned in Yagyuu's direction. "Oh, nothing, just sent him that video link s'all."

Yagyuu's jaw dropped. "You did not."

"Puri!"

"I did not watch it," Sanada clarified, "do something like that again and I'll boot you from the team."

"Che." Niou turned to Yanagi. "Did you like it?"

Yanagi tightened up his tie, not looking at Niou. "I do know better than clicking on any link you send over."

Niou didn't seem pleased that nobody appreciated his gift, but his eyes lit up when Yukimura came out from the shower. "Yukimura! Did you like that video?"

"Video?"

"I sent you a link by email."

"Oh, I didn't check my email last night, sorry," said Yukimura, innocent as ever. "What video was it?"

"Just delete it, Yukimura-kun. It's indecent." Yagyuu was quick to say. Sanada nodded frantically in agreement.

Yukimura laughed and bopped Niou on the head. Niou shrugged and went to Jackal, Marui and Kirihara, who obviously enjoyed what Niou sent a lot more than the others.

Sanada rolled his eyes and left the club room. He had to get out of there before he slapped someone. Yanagi followed soon after.

"He even sent it to Akaya!" Heavy, angry footsteps sent gravel flying. "I don't think letting Niou take control of Akaya's sex education is a good idea at all!"

"It is not." Yanagi agreed. "But the video was not so bad that it would teach him the wrong things."

"You watched it?" Sanada spluttered. "But you said—"

"So did you, Genichirou." Yanagi's smile was knowing. "And Seiichi said he didn't check his email. Did he not send us his thoughts on my training schedule last night?"

Sanada didn't know what to say. The thought of Yanagi watching porn had rendered him speechless. The mental image was just totally wrong. Could it be he wanted to collect information on Niou's preferences?

Yanagi answered Sanada's unvoiced question. "There was something I wanted to check."

What was there to check, Sanada wondered, but felt too embarrassed to ask, although Yanagi seemed to be waiting. He changed the topic instead. "Do you want to come to mine for revision today?"

Yanagi nodded. "You seem worn out. You shouldn't worry about the winter term tests so much."

Sanada's reply was a sigh. His family said that if he didn't score at least 85% in every subject, they would stop buying straw men and use him for sword practice instead, and Sanada knew they meant every word. But there was one other thing...

"I will clean your computer's cache." Yanagi smiled gently. "Don't worry, Genichirou."

"...Thanks."

*

Yanagi sat at the computer whilst Sanada slaved away on the floor, textbooks spread around him. He was aiming to score perfect marks in English. "Renji, what's the difference between 'would you like to' and 'do you want to'?"

"The latter is more direct. Even though it forms a question, it can be seen as highly suggestive. Sometimes it is used specifically to achieve ambiguity."

Sanada noted that down. He was about to ask the next question when he heard voices from the computer speakers. "Renji!"

Yanagi turned the volume down to its lowest and half turned around on the swivel chair, seemingly undisturbed by the video on the computer screen. "What did you think about it, Genichirou?"

"Turn it off! And what do you mean what I thought about it?"

Yanagi was so serene he could be talking about the weather. "Just wondering if you like this type," he glanced at the video. "Personally it's not my taste."

Sanada didn't want to admit it, but this was far more interesting than English revision. "What do you like, then?"

Yanagi thought about it. "Someone who is less cute and buxom, perhaps."

"Yeah, me too." 'Cutesy' and 'jiggly' girls tend to make Sanada shiver. "Someone who is calm and serious..."

The video vanished from the screen with a click.

"Like... Seiichi?"

Sanada dropped his pen.

"He is usually calm and serious, flat-chested, and in my opinion very pretty."

"I won't say you're wrong, but—"

"But what?" Yanagi asked, smiling as his friend fumbled for words. How to say this without seeming like he was discriminating against Seiichi? "I was only joking, Genichirou."

Yanagi turned back to the computer and worked on destroying all evidence of the video from its records. Sanada picked up his pen again to work on the English test, not wanting to think about the conversation, whether Yanagi really meant it was a joke, or if it was a question, or even a suggestion.

In any case, if Yanagi liked the same sort of girls as he did, Yanagi could very well go out with Seiichi.

Sanada massaged his temples, feeling a headache coming on. But still, he couldn't help asking the question that had been on his mind, now that they were on this topic. "Do you know if Seiichi's seeing anyone?"

"No, he isn't."

"Does he have... someone he likes?"

Yanagi turned back around. "Why don't you ask him?"

"I don't know," Sanada admitted. "It seems rude. It's not something I've ever asked him before."

"Do you know that you are the sort of person whose face is like an open book?" Yanagi abandoned the computer for the moment to join Sanada on the floor, long legs folding in a way that reminded Sanada of those expensive dolls in shop windows. "We can tell when you feel strained. Seiichi doesn't want you to feel strained because of him."

"Uh..."

"Ask him if there's something you want to know. He can tell the difference between clumsy care and rude curiosity."

"Hmm..."

"No one is always ready to open up and pour out everything, even to their closest," Yanagi continued, "but if you do care about someone, it is important to let them know. And keep reminding them. Understanding only comes when there is communication."

"Uh... ah." Listening to Yanagi made Sanada feel inadequate. Yanagi had always been far better at this sort of thing.

"Don't worry," Yanagi got up and sat back at the computer. "You can still beat me in tennis."

Sanada did not know which he wanted to do more, punch his friend or thank him. In the end, he just made another sound of acknowledgement, dipped his head and wondered silently if there was someone Yanagi liked, too.

*

Despite what Yanagi said, in the few occasions Sanada could find time alone with Yukimura, he just stood there feeling useless, his questions never leaving his lips. Sometimes he told himself there were no secrets between them, that he would find out one way or another. Sometimes he thought Yukimura would tell him if he really wanted him to know, and so he should not ask. Sometimes, though, he wondered if Yukimura was waiting for him to ask the questions.

He missed days before this "growing up", when life was simple and who Yukimura wanted to go out with or whether he liked boys didn't matter. Since that conversation with Yanagi, Sanada had been imagining — almost fantasising — his two best friends being together. They knew each other well, could take care of one another, and so if it was Yanagi, Sanada would not need to worry, even though Yukimura was no longer sick and Sanada should just stop worrying about him anyway. Yukimura could decide for himself who was or was not good for him. It was just that, if those two were together, it would be much easier for Sanada to accept... maybe.

It would mean being left behind by his childhood best friends. It would mean growing up without Yanagi being there for him as Yanagi said he would. But Sanada would learn to deal with it if he had to, because they would be good together.

Or so he thought, until one night he dreamt of practising in the dojo, and his friends were there, but not cheering for him. Both laying on the floor, their arms were around each other, stroking hair and feeling skin as their lips locked in a kiss, completely ignoring Sanada's presence.

Sanada stood over them, watching, sword in hand. How could they do this, right here, under his roof, in front of him? How dare they leave him behind and yet still ask for his understanding and acceptance?

He thought about how he could kill both of them with one blow if he had the angle right.

The first thing Sanada did after he jerked awake was ring Yanagi. Yanagi answered after a while, his voice drowsy, having been woken up in the middle of the night.

Sanada almost blurted out "I'm sorry," but that would mean having to explain his dream, so he swallowed his words. When Yanagi quietly asked "What is it, Genichirou?" Sanada said the second thing that was on his mind:

"Do you like Seiichi?"


	6. Chapter 6

"Genichirou, run the afternoon practice for me on Friday. I have an appointment."

Sanada nodded. "Where are you going?"

Yukimura hesitated before explaining. "Just a check up at the hospital. It's routine."

It could be a follow-up like Renji had mentioned before. "Do you want me to go with you?"

Sanada's suggestion earned him a glare. "And who's going to run practice?"

True. But someone had to go with Yukimura. "Renji could go—"

"My mother's driving me there. Don't be such a dork."

Yanagi, who was in the hall all along, chose to speak at that moment, allowing a hint of amusement to colour his voice. "You are asking Genichirou to not be himself anymore."

As the two chuckled, Sanada slammed his shoe locker shut, swung the bag over his shoulder and left his friends.

Everything he did was wrong. If he didn't say anything, he wasn't showing that he cared; if he did say something, he was either annoying or stupid. Renji said that if he wanted to know something then he should ask, but the other night when he asked Renji if he liked Seiichi, Renji didn't even give him a clear answer. So much for saying "ask if there is something you want to know":

"If I did, would I have suggested for you to consider going out with him?"

"You said that was a joke!"

"Part joke, part suggestion."

"So you don't like him?"

"Do I need to repeat myself?"

Sanada had a feeling Renji was avoiding the question — which pretty much answered it. But what did he know? He was just stupid, childish and useless—

"Genichirou!" Yukimura and Yanagi caught up with him. "Sorry," they said together, and all of a sudden Sanada felt guilty for being angry.

"No, I just..." his voice drifted off because he didn't know what to say.

"Shall we go to that English place for tea? I miss their sponge cake," Yukimura suggested, filling in the empty space left by Sanada's non-existent words. Sanada nodded and they looked at Yanagi.

"I will pass this time. But the two of you should go."

Sanada frowned. "Come with us."

"I have very little money left from this month's allowance," said Yanagi, "and although the food is nice, I am not overly comfortable with the place. I apologise."

Sanada was about to ask why, but Yukimura grinned. "The waitress asked me last time where you've gone, too."

"My tastes run more... homeward."

The mental image of Renji dating a foreigner who was at least four years his senior made even Sanada want to laugh. He didn't, though. Laughing at Yanagi Renji was never a good idea if one treasured his own life.

"We could go somewhere else."

"Like I said, I don't have much money left for the month." They had reached the street that led to Yanagi's home. He turned right, not even pausing. "See you tomorrow."

Yukimura and Sanada watched Yanagi for a moment before Yukimura shrugged. "Let's go."

"Renji's been acting weird," Sanada could take a stab at guessing the reason, but he would rather not.

"He's always been like that, hasn't he?" Seeing the unconvinced look on Sanada's face, Yukimura added, "every now and then he needs some 'alone' time."

Sanada didn't think that was the reason but he didn't want to argue. Renji was hiding something and he had a vague idea what it might be, but it was something he would talk to Renji about rather than discuss with Yukimura right here.

Spending time with Yukimura made Sanada feel uneasy. It wasn't about the girls or boys anymore — at least not entirely — but the fact that Renji had opted out. Being with Yukimura was always fun, but it was a different kind of fun from being with Renji, and a different kind of fun from being with them both.

Sanada wasn't sure exactly what made him feel guilty: enjoying Yukimura's company or not being with Renji. The two looked like the same thing, but Sanada knew they were not.

"You seem to have a lot on your mind these days," Yukimura remarked, bringing Sanada's attention back. "What's bothering you?"

Sanada shook his head, looking blank as Yukimura's fork crossed the table and stole a chunk of his chocolate cake.

"Genichirou."

Yukimura's tone said "speak now or regret it." Sanada's eyes shifted, hand instinctively reaching for the cap left on the extra chair, but stopped when he noticed Yukimura's gaze following.

"I think... I need to talk to Renji," he said, choosing his words carefully, not disclosing any of his suspicions or theories.

"About?" Yukimura chuckled, "Is it about me again?"

For a moment Sanada wondered if that was a nervous reaction because of the other secrets those two were sharing. He could turn the question around and ask "what about you?", but he didn't want to push Yukimura into a corner. He didn't like doing something like that to his friends.

"I still think he doesn't seem quite himself," he said instead. It was true. There was something about that resigned look on Renji's face — if Sanada wasn't imagining it. He thought he had seen it before, but he couldn't remember where or when. "It worries me."

One hand tucking hair behind his ear, Yukimura's other hand put down the fork. He ran the tip of a finger around the brim of his tea cup. "I can't say I noticed anything. I suppose I haven't been paying attention. I thought maybe he just went home early to revise for the last test tomorrow. You know he's always plotting to get higher marks than us in every subject."

That was true. Renji was always very competitive academically. "Yeah, perhaps."

The bell on the door chimed when they left the teahouse. Yukimura turned to face his friend. "I don't think we should bother him." He adjusted the strap of the bag on his shoulder, shifting the weight. "Everyone needs some personal space. If something's wrong and he isn't telling, it means he doesn't want us to know or he knows he's capable of solving it himself."

That wasn't what Renji said about effective communication the other night. Which should Sanada believe, if either?

He was still thinking about it hours later, after he went home and effectively gave up working on the last test.

Everyone had secrets. He had already established that a long time ago. What he was curious and concerned about with Yukimura perhaps were not secrets; they just hadn't talked about it yet. Renji though, now that Sanada thought about it, was up to something. If Sanada had to guess, Renji was trying to bring him and Yukimura together, what with him always leaving them alone with each other. But would Renji really do that if he liked Yukimura himself?

Sanada really didn't want to think about it. Mixing friendships with relationships could only end up with a mess, he didn't need to watch TV dramas to know that.

He was about to go down to the dojo and practise until his mind blanked out when his mother caught him and told him to bring some of the wagashi she made over to the Yanagis', who lived just next door.

They were more like family than neighbours now, Sanada thought when Yanagi's mother smiled up at him and told him to go and tell Renji to come downstairs for dessert.

"I have not."

Sanada paused outside Renji's room.

"No, I have not said anything about it." Renji sounded angry; he almost never raised his voice or let emotion show through, like this. Having lived in homes with paper-thin walls all his life, Renji had learned to be very quiet. "I still have it. I will give it back to you tomorrow. No, he hasn't. Don't..."

When Renji's voice softened down again, Sanada took a few steps back and walked, this time heavily, back to the door and knocked on it, so that it sounded as though he only just got there.

Renji had just finished his phonecall. The phone on the desk was still flashing, its screen still lit. "Genichirou?" Renji smiled.

Sanada gestured at the stairs. "My mother's made some sweets."

Renji followed Sanada downstairs, took a few of the wagashi and went back up with them, to his mother's slight annoyance.

Renji's room had almost exactly the same layout as Sanada's. They sat down on the tatami with cups of green tea.

"These are very nice," Renji commented, "please thank Sanada-san for me... is something wrong?"

Sanada wanted to punch something. Why was Renji asking him the question? "I was just about to ask you that. Is everything all right?"

"What do you mean?"

"You seem..." What was the word? Down? Upset? Withdrawn? "...a bit quiet lately."

Renji's reaction was slow, as if he was too surprised for a moment. "I have always been quiet. Is it a bad thing?"

"You know that's not what I mean."

"I don't know what you are trying to say." Renji sipped his tea. "Which is a little surprising, I must admit."

Sanada sighed. "I've said this to Seiichi before as well. If there's something bothering you, you can talk to me about it.... Renji?"

Renji's hands were shaking. Sanada wouldn't have noticed except Renji had been holding his cup and there were ripples in the tea. He put it down and put his hands on his lap instead.

"Hey..." Was it something very bad? "Are you-—"

Renji covered his mouth with a hand and laughed.

"I'm sorry," he said after a while, to an astonished Sanada who had never heard Renji laugh like this, "I just think your concerns are misplaced. You should be thinking about Seiichi instead."

That annoyed Sanada a bit. He could worry about Yukimura in his own time; Renji had no right to tell him who he should think about or make it sound like it was wrong and laughable for Sanada to worry about him, especially after all that talk about how he should let someone know if he cared. He sat, silent and unmoving, until the last trace of smile left Renji's lips.

"Tell me what's wrong, Renji."

Renji's answer only came after a lot of consideration.

"You and Seiichi are my most important friends. Naturally, I want you two to understand and accept each other," he said, taking another sip of tea. "It bothers me that you still feel tense around him because of what I told you."

Sanada leaned forward. "Is that all?"

"This is important to me." Renji replied. "It spoils my perfect picture. I want to look around me and see that all those important to me are happy. It is not happening at the moment and I don't know what I can do to help things along. I apologise if I have made you feel pressured."

Gut feelings told Sanada that was not the whole truth. Renji had that look in his eyes again, the one Sanada knew he had seen before but could not remember when.

"These are truly very nice." Renji had another of the wagashi. "We could bring some to school tomorrow for Seiichi."

"I can bring you some more, if you like them." It wasn't that Sanada had anything against giving some of the sweets to Yukimura, but the way Renji spoke bothered him. Was this what Yukimura meant when he said everyone had become obsessed with him since his illness? "What's wrong with you? The world isn't just about Seiichi."

Renji said nothing.

Sanada sighed. "You like him, don't you?"

Renji shook his head. "I already told you, if I did—"

"Just yes or no is fine, Renji."

Renji paused. "No. I don't like him that way."

"I'm okay with it if you do."

"But I don't. I don't know why you think that way." Renji stopped to think for a second. "If my recent behaviour confused you, I'm sorry. I only wanted you two to have more time together, which I think you need."

But there was more to it, Sanada was sure. He had no proof that Yukimura was on the other end of the call earlier, but putting together everything they had said and the way Yukimura had been acting, Sanada could come to no other conclusion. He would not have been so annoyed by it if not for how Renji was acting, and the fact that he was being a hypocrite and a liar.

It was time to go home. Sanada saw no point in pushing Renji any further. For some reason it felt as though he had slapped Renji across the face and Renji didn't want to do anything about it apart from apologise, and it made Sanada feel guilty all over again.

Back home, he thought about ringing or sending Renji a message on the phone to say sorry, but he didn't truly think he had done anything wrong, so he put the phone aside and went to bed.

There they were again, Renji and Seiichi, in the dojo constructed by Sanada's dream, but this time as their ten years-old selves. They sat on the walkway just outside the practice area, eating the wagashi Sanada's mother made whilst watching Sanada's kendo.

Sanada remembered this scene. This was the first time Renji came over to play after moving into the house next door. Seiichi also came because he got curious about the new neighbour Sanada kept talking about. Initially Sanada had been a bit worried, but luckily the two got on well. They were talking, at first, and didn't pay much attention to Sanada, but eventually voices died down and plates of wagashi sat forgotten beside them as they were drawn by Sanada's sword fight against his imaginary opponent.

When Sanada finished, he had to hide a small smirk — he chose that day and time to practise so that he could show off to his new friend, and it worked: Renji was so impressed he was rendered speechless. That was one point to Sanada. He no longer needed to worry about Renji being a little bit taller than him because he was the one who could fight.

Seiichi whispered something to Renji as Sanada put his bokken away. At that moment, Sanada realised this was a dream and they were no longer small children. He remembered there were secrets that he was not allowed to know, just like what Seiichi was sharing with Renji at that moment.

They pulled away from each other when Sanada sat down. Seiichi quickly found something else to talk about. "I don't know kendo at all, but we both play tennis."

"I play, too. I attended a tennis school in Tokyo."

"Singles or doubles?" Sanada asked.

The breeze lifted Renji's long hair. "Doubles," he said, "but I'd like to switch to singles now."

And Sanada remembered.

That was the first time he saw that look in Renji's eyes.


	7. Chapter 7

Today was not a good day, Sanada could see this by the way Yukimura played at practice. He was on the verge of actually using his techniques and he was only playing against Kirihara. Kirihara had his backside handed to him many times by the seniors he swore to surpass, but they had agreed that whilst Kirihara could be pushed, they should let him realise his true potential by himself, not by being thoroughly crushed by his own teammates.

When a frightened second year club member announced the end of the set, and Sanada realised the two were playing a full match rather than a one-set match, he stepped in. He always tried to not undermine Yukimura's authority, but he also knew when something had to be done.

"Enough!" He stormed over to Court A, angrier than he was supposed to be. When Yukimura ignored him and tried to serve, he reached for the net pole and turned the handle a few times so that the net slackened.

Yukimura growled. "Gen—"

"It's time for you to go, otherwise you'll be late for your appointment."

Sanada silently thanked Yanagi for coming over to help with the situation.

Yukimura checked the time, gasped and ran for the club room, pausing at the door to yell for Yanagi to go over. Sanada wandered if they were going to talk in secret again, but from where he stood, he could just about look through the windows and see Yanagi shaking his head.

"Fukubuchou!"

Sanada wondered what they were talking about.

"Sanada-fukubuchou!"

"Akaya."

Kirihara looked like he was going to kill someone. "How about my match!"

"You can play him next time," when Yukimura wasn't losing his control, Sanada thought.

That was obviously not the answer Kirihara wanted. "Winter break starts _tomorrow_."

Sanada was going to suggest something else, but he sighed and wound the net back up. "I'll play you."

"Yes!" Kirihara dashed to the baseline. "I've done my warm up! I'm gonna kick your ass."

"Wait another ten years, brat," Sanada served, and reminded Kirihara why he was known as the Emperor in high school tennis.

*

"Yukimura looked like he wanted to rip people's heads off," Niou said, pausing to drain the remaining of his soda. "Don't think I've ever seen him like that before."

"He did look annoyed today," Yagyuu agreed. He pushed his tray forward, offering the remaining fries to Marui and Sanada, who immediately helped themselves. There was a reason why they had both been banned from many of the "big eat" challenges in the local area.

"Is this what people call PMS-ing?"

Members of the Rikkai tennis team choked collectively. Yanagi dabbed his lips with a napkin. "Akaya, the menstrual cycle is something that affects females only."

"Oh. So what's his problem then?"

Gazes fell on Sanada and Yanagi. The former shrugged, the latter said he didn't know, although Sanada knew Yukimura was mad at Yanagi for something. For having kept a certain item, perhaps. Or something else Yanagi had done. What it could be, Sanada could not begin to guess. Yanagi, as far as he knew, would never do anything to Yukimura that would warrant such anger.

"Where's he gone anyway?" Marui asked.

"A routine health check," Yanagi answered helpfully. "Naturally, he strongly dislikes being anywhere near a hospital, hence the frustration today."

Everyone "oh"-ed and "ah"-ed, nodding. Sanada would have believed those words if he didn't know better; everyone always believed in Yanagi. It shocked him, how smoothly Yanagi lied.

"Genichirou, we have to go." Suddenly Yanagi got up.

"Wha—"

"Come on," Yanagi passed Sanada his bag, then turned to the group. "Sorry, we have something to tend to. Have a nice winter break, everyone."

Sanada followed Yanagi out of the restaurant. "Where are we going?"

"We have to hurry. It's closing at six o'clock." Yanagi broke into a run. Sanada checked his watch; wherever it was, they had ten minutes to get there. He chased behind Yanagi.

"Where are we going?" He asked again when the traffic lights forced them to stop.

"The teahouse," Yanagi ran again as soon as the light turned green.

Perhaps it was about that foreign women? But Yanagi couldn't possibly like her or be dating her or be wanting to introduce her formally to Sanada as his girlfriend. No way. Ethnicity and age aside, she wasn't the sort he liked and she didn't suit him at all. Sanada would not...

He clenched his teeth and ran faster, surprised at what his mind could come up with.

They reached the teahouse with two minutes to spare. That foreign woman tried to catch Yanagi's attention again, and he tolerated her until she finally gave him the sponge cake, packed beautifully in a box, and closed the teahouse for the day.

"Here," Yanagi gave Sanada the cake. "Give this to Seiichi, it will cheer him up. He should be back home around dinner hour.

Sanada had no idea what was going on anymore. "Why don't you do it?"

"He would rather see you than me. You should bring the cake to him and ask him how the check-up went."

"Fine..."

"Good." Yanagi smiled. "Let's go home."

*

Sanada had met Yukimura's family many times over the years, but they were not close enough for him to feel comfortable showing up uninvited, so he rang instead and met up with Yukimura at the street tennis courts nearby. There were two boys playing, probably breaking the curfew just to enjoy each other's company, and tennis.

Sanada sat down on one of the far benches and watched. Quite soon, Yukimura turned up and sat beside him. He spotted the box even before Sanada got to say anything. Gently he removed it from Sanada's lap, as Sanada pulled out a fork and some napkins from a shirt pocket.

"Thank you." Yukimura quickly opened his treasure and tried the cake. The laughter that escaped from him almost sounded like a giggle. When Sanada raised an eyebrow, Yukimura ducked his head. "Just never thought you'd even think about doing something like this."

Sanada would not. It required a mind that was attentive and smart, like Yanagi's. But he just tried to look a bit offended instead; Yanagi didn't want to be mentioned.

"Do you want some?" Yukimura held up his fork.

Sanada shook his head. "So... everything okay with the check up?"

Yukimura paused for a moment. "It dragged on for a bit. They want me to go back every week."

Sanada felt his heart stop. "What for?"

"A regular chat. It's a waste of time and I don't want to go. I can be doing a lot of other things with that time," Yukimura said. "I would go if there was something wrong with me, but I'm fine now."

Yanagi was right. There were not the only ones concerned about Yukimura's emotional side. "It's probably just a precaution," Sanada said, not just to comfort Yukimura. "The doctor probably likes you, that's why."

Yukimura polished off the cake, sucked on the fork, then placed it inside the box and closed the lid. "You know, he probably does. He told me to take my shirt off and asked me how I feel about my body. Does that sound like a pervert to you?"

Sanada didn't feel like disrespecting the doctor who obviously saw what his best friend's problem was. "Did you do it?"

"No." Yukimura gave the box back to Sanada. "I know what you're thinking. But it's really not a big deal. Everyone tries to cover up the bits about themselves they don't like, that's why make up exists."

It was a difficult discussion to try and win. "If it isn't a big deal, just do as they say then you won't have to go back."

"Whose side are you on?"

Sanada rubbed his forehead. "It's just that you'd shown them to me, so I don't know why..."

"That's different. You were driving me nuts. I wouldn't have done it if I had a choice."

"So if I ask to see them now—"

"I'll punch you."

"How about swimming in the summer?"

"I won't swim."

This was Sanada's chance. "How about when you're seeing someone?" The question came out a lot more smoothly than he thought it would. The talking before seemed to have served as a good warm-up.

Yukimura looked away. "I'll turn the lights off. Do you think I haven't thought about all the possible circumstances?"

"I think... guys wouldn't mind scarrings so much." Sanada stared at the box on his lap. "I don't speak for everyone, of course, least of all anyone you might like, but..." His voice drifted off as Yukimura cocked his head and peered closer. "What?"

"You," Yukimura said in disbelief, "are getting quite tactful."

"What?"

"The cake. The nice things you say. And your attempts to coax answers from me."

"I'm only being honest." It was true that he thought nobody should mind the scars, but everything else was Yanagi's fault, really, including the cake. Sanada reached behind him and produced a second box, giving it to a surprised Yukimura. Yanagi had bought two, most probably for his friends to share, but Sanada thought it would be nicer this way.

This time Yukimura laughed. Sanada seldom surprised him like this, and never twice in a row. He offered Sanada the fork. When Sanada refused, he got a small bit of cake and held it in front of his friend's mouth. "Come on, I'm not Bunta, I can't eat all this by myself." He sat a bit closer.

Sanada opened his mouth and felt the cake on his tongue, soft and sweet.

"I know you don't like me changing the topic," Yukimura talked as he ate. "I'm not with anyone and I don't see myself with anyone. You'll know when there is someone."

"Ah."

"And I don't want to see the doctor every week. I won't be going."

"But Seiichi—"

"They can't make me." Yukimura's eyes were hard with resolve, just like they always were when he got serious with tennis. "I have never given in and been made to do something I don't want to do, and I won't let it start now. What? Are you going to hit me?"

Sanada hadn't even realised his hand was squeezed into a tight fist. So many arguments were running through his head: Yukimura always knew what he was doing. But the drunk never admits to being drunk, and when had anorexics ever admitted they needed help? When Yukimura first got sick, he even tried to overcome it with sheer willpower. But what was Sanada supposed to do as a friend: believe in him and respect his choice, or persuade him that seeing the doctor was the right thing to do? And just how could he persuade Yukimura Seiichi to do something he hated?

"If you go... I'll buy you cake."

He had no idea where that came from, and from the way Yukimura looked at him, he was definitely going to be made to regret treating Yukimura like he was a five year-old.

"...Every week?"

"After you come back from the doctor," Sanada said, though not believing that Yukimura was actually considering it. "I'll get you cake."

After a long pause of consideration, Yukimura sighed and put his forehead on Sanada's shoulder. "I hate you."

He'd won. Sanada couldn't believe this. "You won't just go and sit there. You must—"

"Have you ever seen me do anything half-arsed?"

Sanada shut his mouth, but opened it again when Yukimura fed him some more cake.

He wondered if Yanagi knew it was going to end up this way. But on second thought, Sanada was sure Yanagi knew. He always did.

*

"Genichirou, I want to borrow your jacket."

Sanada turned from his computer. His brother never knocked. He believed it was less of a lack of manners and more of a wanting to catch him doing something, whatever that something was.

He gestured at the wardrobe. "Help yourself."

His brother did. He looked around a bit and pulled out a thick, waterproof jacket. "You don't want to go anyway right?"

"I don't mind," Sanada said. He wasn't going skiing with his family because he didn't get above 85% in every test — he got 72% for music — but it was more a blessing than punishment. Kirihara was apparently going to the same resort with his family. Unlike what some people thought, Sanada didn't dislike Kirihara, but seeing him even during holiday was too much. Besides, it meant he got the whole house to himself.

"You going to be having friends over?"

"Probably." Yukimura was coming over tomorrow; Sanada had invited him after they'd finished the cake.

"Grandpa'll be coming to check on you on Wednesday and Friday. Pretend you don't know coz I'm not supposed to tell you." Sanada's brother tried the jacket on for size. It fitted him.

"Uh... ah."

"Try not to get stuff on the tatami. It's hell to get out."

Sanada wasn't sure what to say to that, so he nodded.

"If it's an emergency, don't go rummaging through my stuff. Look inside here." His brother dropped some things into the pockets of the jacket.

It finally dawned on Sanada what his brother was referring to. Blood rushed to his face until even the tips of his ears were red.

His brother buttoned up the pockets. "And don't rush things. It's hard when you're in the mood, but you'll hurt someone." He hung the jacket back in the wardrobe, then went to the door. "Anyway, say hi to Renji for me."

Sanada's jaw dropped as the door clicked shut.

Renji?

A little later, he abandoned the computer to practice at the dojo. Sword in hand, he fought until he forgot the feeling of canvas against his skin, sweat gathering at his brows, or even breathlessness, until he had no room for any thought at all.

It could have been hours later when he finally stopped; he could not hear any noise from the main part of the house anymore. Though it could just be because his ears were ringing. He collapsed onto the floor, chest heaving, taking in the air he must have forgotten to breathe in earlier.

The dojo floor was the most uncomfortable place in the world and he would freeze tomorrow morning, but Sanada just closed his eyes and let sleep take over.

That night, he had a dream about Renji he would never, ever tell anyone about.


	8. Chapter 8

It was one of those days when Sanada was hard between his legs when he woke. Normally it wouldn't have mattered, since he had his own room and could either do something about it or wait for it to go away, but he was in the dojo, his back and shoulders aching and his limbs stiff from spending the night on the floor. And when he opened his eyes, he realised he wasn't alone. 

His hakama was almost undone from whatever he was doing in his sleep, and the person kneeling beside him had a blanket on his lap and shock written all over his usually calm face.

For a moment Sanada thought he would be safe; the thick but loose hakama should be able to conceal his erection — which wasn't anything unusual for someone his age anyway — but then as his eyes adjusted to the light, he saw how red Yanagi's face was, and knew he must have talked in his sleep like his brother said he sometimes did. 

Yanagi was first to regain his composure. "I ran into your family earlier. They were hurrying to the airport but your brother asked me to check on you since you practised all night..."

Sanada had never wanted to hurt his brother so badly in his life. 

Yanagi bundled the blanket in his arms and started to get up. "I'll go and put this back."

"Renji!" Sanada bolted up as Yanagi stood, the top half of his hakama now falling open. "I..." he ought to say something, place the blame on what his brother said the night before, maybe. But perhaps it would be better to just keep his mouth shut, considering how the reminiscence of the dream was telling him how nice it would be to have Yanagi underneath him and how he was still extremely hard. 

"It's not... it's not like that."

Yanagi hugged the blanket in his arms. "Don't worry about it."

"I mean," Sanada tried to clarify, in case Yanagi took offence. "I don't think like that. Really." 

"Of course not," Yanagi said, smiling. "It was just a dream. Dreams don't mean anything."

"A-ah..."

"Genichirou, your front door wasn't locked—"

Turning to the sound of the voice and finding Yukimura in the doorway, Sanada thought his winter break could have got off to a slightly better start.

*

A few moments later, he was in the shower, because he needed to wash off the sweat from last night, not because he had done anything with Yanagi. He didn't try to explain to Yukimura, though, since his lack of skills in explaining a situation might just make it worse. He was sure Yanagi would be telling Yukimura why he was there early in the morning and why Sanada was only partially dressed. But hopefully not why Sanada was hard between his legs. Surely Yukimura couldn't have seen that from such a distance. 

He wondered how Yanagi felt though, not only about this morning, but seeing Yukimura there, for a sleepover Yanagi hadn't been invited to. It was Yanagi's own fault; he had been setting them up for a while, but even so, knowing something and seeing it were quite different. And Sanada could tell it affected Yanagi, by the way his friend smiled, by the look in those eyes. Just like the way he abandoned his old doubles partner when he realised his friend was better at singles, Yanagi was making another sacrifice because he knew something and would rather stand back and let his friends move on. 

Yanagi was about to leave when Sanada came out from the shower. "I will see you around." If possible, Yanagi's voice was even quieter than usual. He put on his shoes and put the guest slippers back.

Somehow, Sanada felt so guilty he could have hit himself. He wanted to ask if Yanagi wanted to have lunch with them, but guessed it would only be seen as a pitying gesture.

After the front door closed, Sanada turned to Yukimura. "What did you say to him?" 

"Hm?"

"He seems a bit depressed."

"I don't know." Yukimura shrugged. "He said your brother asked him to check on you and he forgot to lock the door after coming in." 

"Is that all?"

"What? Why are you blaming me if he seems upset?"

"I'm not blaming you, I'm just asking."

"Then why don't you ask him? If you'd like, ask him to stay over, I'll go home." 

Sanada couldn't believe it. Yukimura was bitching like a girl. Like a jealous— 

Oh.

Yukimura glared at him for a while before turning and storming upstairs to fetch his bag.

"Seiichi," Sanada sighed. He was finally getting a grasp of the situation. "Come on." He pried Yukimura's fingers open and made him drop his bag. He wondered if he was blushing. His heart was certainly beating a bit faster. Though whether it was from the knowledge that Yukimura might actually like him and wasn’t just flirting with him, or from how he was starting to appreciate Yukimura in ways he hadn't before, he wasn't too sure. It was probably a bit of both. 

Besides, whichever way he looked at it, this wasn't just a sleepover. It was more like a date. He knew it the moment he made the invitation last night.

Yanagi was probably at home and laughing at him right now? 

Sanada tried not to think about it too much for the rest of the day. It wasn't a bad feeling, far from it. Yukimura was someone he admired a lot for his strength, both in leadership, tennis and in overcoming his sickness. He was also one of Sanada's closest friends. The possibility that Yukimura might like him that way made him feel warm, and honoured, like he had won a prize he didn't think he deserved. And it stirred a little something inside, something he didn't know was there before. 

As usual, they played tennis on the clay court in Sanada's back garden. Sanada was still tired and aching from the night before, and Yukimura laughed at him for his terrible form, but it was fun in the way tennis with Yukimura always was. Briefly he wondered if Yanagi was watching them from next door, but Yanagi must have had enough of him for the day after the embarrassing incident this morning. That was probably another reason why he went home so quickly. 

A twisted serve knocked off Sanada's baseball cap.

"You're losing concentration," said Yukimura as he walked up to the net. "And you're tired. Let's stop, it's easy to get injured like that." 

Sanada picked up the cap. "Sorry."

They went back indoors to play shogi on the computer, and Sanada explained to Yukimura the logic behind each of his moves. Yukimura's game was getting better. He learned fast, but he wasn't like Yanagi, who absorbed knowledge like a sponge. Then again, nobody could be like Yanagi.

And nobody was like Yukimura either, Sanada thought. He should forget about Yanagi — forget that look in those eyes, that hollowness he felt many nights ago when he dreamt that his friends were leaving him behind — for now and focus on the person beside him. 

Yukimura seemed to be sitting closer than normal. Their shoulders and arms were touching. Or could it be Sanada sitting himself closer? Whichever way it was, neither of them was moving away.

After shogi, they did their homework, ate, and did other things that Sanada did not think was of any importance, but by the end of the day he was tired enough to fall asleep on the floor. Trying to finish all of the winter break's homework in one day, without Yanagi's help, was tough work but now he didn't have to worry about it for the rest of the holiday. 

He laid out the futons, only two this time, and wondered how much room he should leave between them. What if he got one of those dreams again?

Suddenly he remembered what his brother said, and the things he left in his coat pocket. No, he shouldn't think about that, not with Yukimura, not with Yanagi, or with anyone at all. Luckily Yukimura was in the bathroom, because he must be blushing right now. 

Next time he cut the Enemy of Straw, he should pin his brother's picture to it.

The doorbell rang. Instinctively Sanada knew it must be Yanagi. He went downstairs in his pyjamas and answered.

"Renji?" 

Yanagi held out a letter. The envelope said _To Genichirou_ , not in his own handwriting but Yukimura's. Sanada took it, not understanding what was going on.

"What's this?" The second the question left his lips, Sanada realised this had to be what Yukimura wanted back from Yanagi. This was what Yukimura meant when he said some time ago, "you haven't seen it, then."

The night was quiet, but Yanagi's voice still seemed soft, carried over only by the breeze. "Whatever Seiichi might have said about me, it's not true."

"What are you talking about?" 

They paused when they heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Yanagi smiled briefly. "Goodnight."

Between confusion and the possibilities he didn't want to acknowledge, Sanada didn't stop Yanagi from leaving. Somehow he knew Yanagi didn't want to face Yukimura right now and that wasn't a good idea anyway. 

Yukimura appeared at the end of the hallway. "Was that the door?"

Sanada quickly slipped the envelope into his pocket. "Yeah, Renji."

"Oh. What for?"

"He said whatever you might have said about him is not true." 

Yukimura looked puzzled for a moment, then chuckled. "Was he talking about this morning? I didn't mean it seriously."

"What did you say?"

"That he likes you." 

*

Sanada did not sleep that night.


	9. Chapter 9

"I'm not going to read it."

Yanagi looked at Sanada, then at the envelope held in front of him. His brows were slightly knotted, the way they did whenever he was faced with a problem when he could not understand.

"You knew I wasn't going to read it," said Sanada.

"I don't," Yanagi began, then quickly turned around and smiled at his sister, who came to check who was at the door. She shrugged and left him alone. "I didn't know what you were going to do; I can't predict every scenario. But it is for you, so you should keep it."

There were so many things Sanada wanted to know, but the threshold of Yanagi's home was not the right place to talk, and it seemed like Yanagi didn't want to let him in, perhaps worried about what his family might hear, or perhaps he truly thought there was nothing to talk about.

Or perhaps he did not want to talk about it.

"Are you busy? Can we talk somewhere else?"

"This is a letter addressed to you, so I've passed it on. That is all there is to it." Yanagi tilted his head. "My mother wants me to help carry her shopping at the market. We'll be leaving soon."

That was a convenient excuse and one that Sanada could not talk his way around. Swallowing the curse the edge of his lips, he sighed instead. But before he allowed Yanagi to retreat back into the safety of his house, there was one answer he needed.

"Just tell me one thing, then. Did you get this before or after Seiichi's final operation?"

Yanagi thought for a brief moment, maybe calculating if he could get away with not telling the truth.

"Don't lie to me," Sanada added, hating the fact that he had to say this, and the fact that he now knew Yanagi was too good at lying. He would never doubt that Yanagi's intentions were good, but good intentions were not what he wanted.

"It was before."

*

After the Yanagi family left their house, Sanada put the letter in another envelope, addressed it to Yanagi Renji and slipped it inside their letter box.

He didn't know what the letter contained, but he could take a guess — one or two of the possibilities were stronger than others. And if it was something Yukimura wrote before he chose to stare at death in the face for a second time, then what the letter said could be the truth, or sheer delirium, or a bit of both. Whatever the case, Yukimura wanted this letter back, so Sanada would respect this decision by not reading it. If there was something Yukimura wanted to say, he could say it when he was ready, not at a time Yanagi picked for him.

Yes, friends sometimes pushed, and god knows Sanada needed pushing sometimes. But this time he refused to move in the direction Yanagi showed him without question.

The house was silent — Yukimura had gone home in the morning, but Sanada knew they would meet up again quite soon. It would probably only be another twenty-four hours before Yukimura rang to complain about tennis deprivation. And that was fine by Sanada, he didn't like not touching tennis or kendo for more than a day or two, either.

Without Yukimura, Yanagi or his family around, Sanada had nothing to do. He would normally enjoy this solitude, but it would mean too much thinking. He had done enough of that and not got anywhere.

Having gone through his mental list of friends and deciding he didn't want to interrupt their holiday so soon after it started, Sanada resigned to spending the day at home doing sword practice and tending to the garden — otherwise there would be hell when his grandfather visited — until his phone rang. Having left it in another part of the house, he got to it just before the other side hung up.

"Hey, Sanada." Niou's voice filtered through, sounding bored. But one could never tell with Niou. "Busy?"

Not someone Sanada expected to hear from during the holidays, unless someone — usually Yanagi or Jackal — organised a group meet or party. Wary of the reason behind the question, Sanada didn't answer. "Why?"

"I have two-for-one coupons for the yakiniku joint near the university. Wanna come with?"

Raising an eyebrow at the unusual invitation, Sanada hesitated. "Well..."

"I got ditched, 'kay? And you like meat."

Sanada supposed he did.

They met up outside the restaurant, Sanada dressed sensibly for the cold weather and Niou even more so, not being known for his tolerance for low temperatures. But it looked like he had spent some time picking what to wear; "got ditched" were probably angry words, but maybe it was true that Niou got stood up. Sanada wondered if he had been Niou's last resort. They were friends, to some extent, but they weren't exactly close.

They sat down at a table, picked their meats and started grilling.

"How's your winter break so far?" Niou asked his piece of beef tripe.

"Okay," Sanada replied to his piece of pork belly. "A right mess" was what he wanted to say, but he didn't think Niou came to listen to his problems, and he didn't feel like sharing them anyway. "Yours?"

Niou still didn't look up. "I'm having to eat with you. What does that suggest?"

Was that meant to be an insult or an invitation for Sanada to ask questions? Sanada decided to take a risk. "That you'd rather eat meat with me than anyone else?"

Chopsticks pausing, the food almost touching his lips, Niou raised his eyes and gave Sanada a strange look before eating the beef. "You might be right. You came when I called, unlike some people..."

Sanada could do what seemed to be the sensible thing and say comforting things like "maybe they'll call to rearrange" or "maybe it's an emergency" but he didn't think Niou wanted to hear those. He must already have considered all the possibilities, but right now he wanted to grumble anyway. In some ways, he wasn't too different from Yukimura.

"Whoever you were going to see, their company can't be superior to mine."

Niou snorted, almost choked, and then laughed. He put down his chopsticks and sat back to lean against the partition of their booth, still laughing.

"Is it that funny?" Sanada asked after swallowing a satisfyingly large mouthful of food.

"Not really, in itself," said Niou, "But when _you_ say things like that, it's hilarious."

Sanada mock glared. Niou burst into laughter again.

"See, that's not something you used to do. 's not how you used to react to my shit. You've really mellowed out and found your sense of humour." Niou sucked from the straw of his soda. "Guess I still have the old you in my head. Probably not fair of me but, all the trauma, y'know."

There was no need to guess what Niou was referring to. Two years ago, at the end of the summer of their final year in middle school, the tennis team had gathered together to reflect on their loss at the national tournament. Just before that meeting, Yanagi sat Sanada down and, quite tactfully and yet very thoroughly, told him what he did wrong as a temporary captain and as a person, reminding him how the tennis club used to be before Yukimura's illness, and how it changed since Sanada took over.

During the meeting, Sanada apologised unreservedly to the team. One of them struck him in the face. A couple shook hands with him. The rest clapped his shoulder, poked him in the side. Yukimura admitted he could have done more for the club as soon as he returned, but nobody would hear any of it.

But the ice, and their tennis club's militarian ways, was only broken for good when Yukimura tackled Sanada to the floor and screamed "tickle-fest!"

It was a memory Sanada recalled with equal measures of fondness and dread.

"Back then, if someone would talk to me sooner—"

"You wouldn't have listened. Not 'til Yukimura was out of hospital and nationals were over." Niou resumed his meat grilling, picked up a bit of chicken, immersed it in chili oil and then dropped it unceremoniously onto Sanada's plate.

Sanada looked at the chicken, then at Niou, who arched his eyebrows and nodded at it. "I'm still surprised any of you stayed," he said, then put the meat in his mouth, the chili making him screw his eyes shut for a moment.

Niou grinned at the sight. "We did lose some club members. And people on the team did almost walk at one point or another. I think everyone 'cept the General and Akaya."

Swallowing hard, Sanada rinsed his mouth with ice tea before trying to speak again. The revelation did not come as a complete surprise, but the implications of it was worth a lot of thought. Why did they stay in the end, then? There was one obvious answer. "Renji intervened?"

"Talked me down. I suppose he did the same with the rest."

Sanada mulled on this. He had thought getting out of the house and meeting up with Niou would mean less time spent thinking about Yanagi, but apparently not.

"Set an example for the rest," Yanagi had said after he lost his match in the regional tournament back in middle school. What he really meant was not for Sanada to set an example, but for himself to do so. He would not run away from what he had asked the others to endure: not the training, nor the punishment.

"You know what Marui used to say? You guys are less 'The Three Monsters', more like a trinity. Yukimura's the heart, you're the body, Yanagi's the soul. Without any one of you guys, we're a mess. Too many strong personalities in too small a space." Niou helped himself to more food. "Though I sometimes think, thank fuck for Yanagi. Would've felt great to leave the club back then, but I got a lot more out of staying."

Sanada didn't really know what to say. "I'm glad you stayed."

After a long pause, Niou smiled lopsidedly. "People say you've changed. I kind of figured that too. Just didn't realise you've even got social skills now. When did that happen?"

It wasn't a question Sanada had to answer, but he did anyway. "Since the last few months," according to Yukimura on the night they shared cake at a street tennis court. All because Yanagi taught him to tell people how he cared about them.

"Huh. Can't believe I didn't know."

"What?"

"There's one thing that can turn decent people into arseholes and vice versa. You're seeing someone."

Yes, no, and maybe. Those all seemed to be correct answers. But Sanada decided not to give Niou any ammunition. "Just because your decent date is being an... arsehole tonight, it doesn't mean the theory applies to everyone."

Niou grasped at his own sweater, just over his heart, and grimaced. "Fine, stab me in my bleeding wound."

"Eat some meat. Protein helps healing."

*

Sanada walked home afterwards. Someone rang Niou towards the end of the meal, Sanada couldn't tell if it was his date and it didn't look like Niou was going to tell. But he did have somewhere to go afterwards and as curious as Sanada was, he didn't try to find out more.

The lights were on at the Yanagi household, so Renji was hopefully at home. Staring at his phone, Sanada thought about the things he needed to say, put all the words together into something that resembled coherency, but his thumb hovered over the call button, the words from his brother ringing in his head, the dream from two days ago flashing before his eyes. And what Yukimura said last night — what if it was true?

Sanada bit his lip and made the call.

"Hello?"

"Renji." Sanada took a deep breath. What was he going to say again? "Did you check the mail?"

"Yes. I got the letter," Yanagi said. "Are you rejecting Seiichi?"

Mildly surprised by how accusing Yanagi sounded, Sanada frowned. "Renji, don't push."

There was no response from the other side.

"If there is anything Seiichi wants me to know, he will tell me when he is ready. Don't push him. Don't push us. Any of us. Even if you think it's the right thing to do."

A long breath, not quite a sigh, came from the other end of the phone. "Is that what you think I'm doing?"

"It's not what I think, it's what you _are_ doing," said Sanada. "We'll be in our last year of high school after winter term. We'll need to start thinking about universities and making life decisions. There is no need to make ourselves change any faster than that; life will change us all soon enough."

After a long silence followed by a bit of shuffling, Yanagi spoke. "I understand what you're saying, but I'm not trying to force you to change. I just think it's silly for you two to dance around each other at this stage. We all want to be happy, don't we?"

"You want us to be happy," Sanada corrected him. How could he say this? "You could talk a cicada down a tree if you wanted to; I won't ever win an argument of words with you. But listen, Renji: we don't need to grow up yet. We are fine as we are."

"No. You don't understand."

Sanada waited, but Yanagi didn't elaborate.

"I will decide on my own feelings, you don't need to choose for me."

"Am I doing things wrong? Do you feel pressured? Is that why we're having this conversation?"

"No. I think things are changing and I can't keep up. You're trying to help me by making me run faster, but what I need is for the changes to slow down. I want to know for sure I'm making my own decisions."

Another long pause.

"Renji?"

"Okay, Genichirou. I will return the letter to Seiichi. I won't mention that you're aware of its existence."

"Thanks. I know I can be an idiot. Thanks for tolerating me."

"It's nothing new." Yanagi's voice hitched. "I need to go. My mother needs me for something again. Bye."

The dead tone on the phone told Sanada Yanagi was already gone before he could reply. Surprised and slightly suspicious, he went to his window and looked outside, and saw the tall silhouette of Yanagi behind his drawn curtains, unmoving.

*

In Sanada's dream that night, he was in his room with Yanagi.

"What I need is for the changes to slow down," he said. "I want to know for sure that I'm not neglecting something... or someone along the way."

Instead of ending the conversation abruptly because of tears, Yanagi smiled.


	10. Chapter 10

_Good morning. Sorry if I woke you, but are you busy?_

Yukimura blinked at the message, then tossed his phone aside, scratching his head as he slowly climbed out of bed. Blearily he went to the bathroom, washed — need to get the roots touched up again, he thought, examining his hair in the mirror — then went downstairs and made himself some porridge. It seemed like he actually woke up before his sister today, thanks to the message from Yanagi.

Shuffling in his pyjamas and fluffy slippers, he padded back upstairs, found the phone that was trapped between the wall and the bed, and replied.

_Nope._

_I have a letter for you. Shall I drop by yours?_

Yukimura stared at the screen for a full minute before sending his response.

_Let's meet at the indoor courts. In an hour?_

_Okay. See you there._

The sports club was only down the road from Yukimura's home, so he had time to shower and even make a few rice balls to bring with him, and still got there early.

High school tennis was nowhere near as famous as its baseball equivalent, but Yukimura was a regular at the club and even garnered a bit of fame ever since Rikkai's victory at the last national tournament, so he managed to get a private tennis court without prior booking. By the time Yanagi arrived, he had already done his warm up.

"Seiichi..." Yanagi opened his bag.

"Let's play first," Yukimura interrupted his friend and pulled the racket out of his bag, "and then talk."

Two long sets later, they sat down on a bench and Yukimura offered Yanagi one of his rice balls.

"Are you all right? Your movements are sluggish and you look like you haven't slept."

"Just didn't sleep well." Yanagi said, then bit into his rice ball, discovering it to be a plum one, "I don't know why you would still want to play me, it must get boring for you to just win every time."

"You're the data master, yet you don't know?" Yukimura ate his snack less gracefully, stuffing it all inside his mouth in two bites. "It's the only thing I can win from you."

Confused, Yanagi shifted himself a little to face Yukimura, his head cocked slightly to one side.

"It is." Yukimura said after drinking from his water bottle. "You have everything else. I only have tennis. If I don't beat you often then I can't redress the balance."

"You're talking complete rubbish, Seiichi."

"Am I?" Yukimura held out his hand, and Yanagi handed the letter over. It was crumpled, but unopened. He breathed a sigh of relief. God knows what he was thinking back then, this should never have been written. "Tennis is the only thing I can do well. But you're good at everything. You've got good grades, you know how to talk to people, everybody trusts you—"

"You are all of those, too."

"Nah, I'm just a tennis-idiot," said Yukimura, pulling a tennis ball out of his pocket and squeezing it. "I want everything, but this is all I have."

Yanagi plucked the ball out of Yukimura's hands. "What's brought all this on?"

"I don't know. I'm just in a weird mood I guess." Yukimura turned around and straddled the bench so that he could lean back against his friend's shoulder. "You know, when I stayed over at Genichirou's a couple of days ago, it felt a bit like a date. Only I couldn't really tell, since we've been friends all this time already. And I don't know if I wanted it to be a date or not."

Behind him, Yanagi said nothing.

"Renji."

"Yes?"

"I'm not good at telling people how I feel. Whereas you're good at hiding it."

A pause. "Perhaps. It depends on what you are referring to."

"Doesn't that go against what you've preached at me before?"

"Do as I say, not as I do."

Yukimura chuckled. "You're such a hypocrite."

Yanagi said nothing. He froze when Yukimura reached back and grasped his hand.

"Let's go on a date."

"What?"

"Let's go on a date," Yukimura repeated as he swung his leg back across the bench and stood up, not letting go of Yanagi. "Come on."

*

They dropped their sports bags off at Yukimura's house before heading towards the town on his moped, with Yanagi in the back seat, holding onto the handles on the sides of the vehicle for balance.

"Where do you want to go?" Yukimura asked.

"I don't know. This was your idea."

They weren't going fast but the wind was chilling. Stopping at the traffic lights, Yukimura tucked his scarf under his jacket and hoped Yanagi wasn't getting cold.

"You've had your chance. Don't blame me if I'm a lousy date."

*

Yanagi stood several feet behind as Yukimura went up to the desk and paid before going back to him, two pairs of shoes in his hands.

"I can't skate," sad Yanagi, his brow gathering gently in a small frown. He stared at the bladed boots as if they were a foreign object with unknown purpose, and he didn't accept them until they were pushed towards his chest.

"Neither can I." His hands reaching for Yanagi's again, Yukimura led the way to some seats where they changed their shoes, and then clumsily walked onto the ice rink.

There was hardly anybody there as it wasn't even afternoon yet. Holding onto the handrails for balance, they looked at the few skaters go round a few times, then gave it a go themselves. Yanagi moved only several feet forwards before he heard a thud behind him. With some difficulty, he turned around, gripped the rail hard and offered his free hand to pull Yukimura up, both of them wobbling dangerously. Yukimura rubbed his backside.

"Ow."

Yanagi smiled and shook his head. "Your idea."

"Wait until you fall over yourself!"

They both fell plenty of times, forwards, backwards, and even sideways when Yukimura initiated a pushing war that only ended when the staff gave them a warning. The ice was freezing, especially when his bum and hands were on it, but it was well worth it for the half exasperated, half amused look on Yanagi's face.

What Yanagi's life needed was unpredictability. Curved balls, of the good kind, Yukimura thought.

When their one-hour time slot was up, Yanagi suggested they have lunch. They found a restaurant nearby and sat down at a quiet corner behind a planter.

"I was hoping we'd have some undiscovered talent, but it turned out we both suck."

"You aren't bad," said Yanagi, who sipped his tea and then added, "at shoving people."

"It's funny when tall people fall over."

One of Yanagi's eyebrows raised by millimetres.

"If you find someone even taller than you and you see them trip, you'll understand."

"Because you are so very short, Seiichi?"

"Enough that you'd have to bend down for me."

Yanagi looked up from his menu just when Yukimura lowered his gaze onto his own menu.

"Have you been here before? Is the pasta any good?"

"No, this is my first time."

"How about trying something new?" Yukimura wasn't sure if he wanted to laugh at or smack himself for saying that, but he'd said it now, and Yanagi looked... not too horrified. Though, even after all these years, he still would not call himself an expert in reading Yanagi's moods.

But no risk, no reward. Boundaries are for respecting as well as pushing.

"Have you got things to do today?"

"I... need to be home for dinner."

Yanagi was willing to go along — maybe to humour Yukimura — for a while longer, then. "We can probably go watch something."

"There are always shows on in Yokohama, we can look there."

"I should go look for my hairdresser if we go that way. The girl who always does my hair has gone to work for a salon there." Yukimura pushed aside their drinks and leaned forward. "Look, my roots are showing."

"Your hair has been this colour for almost four years. Isn't it tiresome to have to get it redone all the time?"

"A bit. The dyeing's fine, but I have to bleach the bath once in a while."

"It's a nice colour. Not something I would be able to carry off, but it suits you."

"You don't need blue hair, Renji."

Amused, Yanagi smiled. "Nobody _needs_ blue hair."

"That's not what I mean," said Yukimura, suddenly fumbling for words. Oh God, he really was bad at this. "You look good as you are."

Yanagi gazed back in puzzlement until the blood rushing to Yukimura's face began to show. Surprised, he looked away and busied himself with his tea for a moment.

"I've been thinking about dyeing it back to black though," Yukimura played with the straw of his drink.

"That might work quite nicely on you."

"You think so?"

"I... I think you don't need blue hair either."

All it took for Yanagi to do something as unusual as speaking his mind was for Yukimura to do it first. Yukimura did not doubt that he was terrible at flirting, but as long as it worked. And now Yanagi was blushing as well, and Yukimura had to sit on his hands to stop himself from reaching across to brush his fingertips across that face. He had never seen Yanagi like this before, his cheeks pink from delight and embarrassment rather than exertion on a tennis court, his glances bashful yet daring, and yet his whole demeanor had not changed at all, still calm and perfect, perhaps even still logging and cataloguing information in his head right this moment. How did Yanagi manage that? Did he even know he was doing all this?

Genichirou was gorgeous. Renji though... Renji was breathtaking.

"Seiichi?"

Yukimura nearly jumped. "I was just thinking..." what was he thinking that he could say out loud? "let's go to Ninomiya instead. It's not far and my sister said they've got a touring planetarium, it's only going to be there for another week or so."

Yanagi nodded, then someone came over to take their orders. Later, Yukimura told himself. When they were somewhere more private, he would tell Yanagi exactly what he was thinking, because Yanagi needed to know he was so much more than he thought he was.

They went to Ninomiya after the meal and luckily the planetarium was still there, its slightly shoddy, run-down exterior making no promises on the sort of experience its visitor might find. Once inside, though, the lounging seats around the central projector looked very welcoming. They stood at the entrance for a brief moment and, to Yukimura's surprise, Yanagi took his hand and tugged him towards some seats furthest away from the popular ones near the middle.

"We can see more from the edge," was Yanagi's explanation.

It probably was not reflective of the fact that Yanagi was the type to first observe from the periphery whereas Yukimura tended to get into the centre of the action, because Yanagi was right about the view being better from the edge since they didn't have to try to look behind them. And nobody in the dome could see Yukimura reaching for Yanagi's hand again the darkness.

There was no resistance. Yukimura slipped his fingers between Yanagi's long, slender ones, feeling giddy when they curled to hold him gently.

Was Yanagi just being friendly and playing along, though, Yukimura had no idea.

"Sometimes it's nice to change the perspective, isn't it," he whispered as the music came on and the ceiling above them began to glow. "It makes everything seem different, but still the same. Sometimes you make little discoveries."

"Like when you made me lie down on the dojo floor at Genichirou's?"

"Who?"

"No one." Yanagi quickly caught on. "What kind of discoveries have you made?"

"Hmm. That I really like holding your hand."

It was a shame that the room had become so dark Yukimura couldn't see Yanagi's reaction, but the hand in his didn't let go until the end of the presentation.

A couple of hours of mindless wandering later, they climbed onto Yukimura's moped and slowly headed homeward, neither of them saying anything when this time Yanagi decided to hold on by circling his arms around Yukimura's waist.

Twilight had turned into dusk by the time they reached the edge of Yanagi's neighbourhood.

"Hey, Renji."

"Yes?"

"How long have we known each other now?"

"Eleven days short of six years."

Of course Yanagi would know the number precisely. Yukimura smiled to himself. "So how much time have we spent together in the last six years?"

"You will need to give me a moment if you want me to work out that one. As an estimate, around three-"

"I mean just the two of us, alone."

A pause. "A much smaller number."

Yukimura pulled over. Gesturing for Yanagi to stay where he was, he took both of their helmets off and strapped them to the back of the moped, then climbed back on, taking a turn that led away from Yanagi's house.

"We need more time together. I'll get you home before dinner, don't worry."

Yanagi's response was to put his arms back where they were and lean into Yukimura's back.

"Renji."

"Yes?"

Now that it was dark and Yanagi wasn't looking at him in the eye, the words were coming more easily. "Before you start thinking that way, I'm not using you as a replacement or comparison to Genichirou. I genuinely wanted a day out with you. Just you."

His cheek pressed to Yukimura's shoulder, Yanagi's voice was a little muffled. "Every time I think I am ready to predict your next move, you do something different. This is the only thing I am sure about you."

"You know much more about me than that." The body behind Yukimura's was so warm, so comforting. "You understand my feelings. Some of them, anyway."

"Hmm."

They went around another bend, going down dimly lit residential streets at crawling speed.

"Last time I was at Genichirou's place, he wouldn't stop talking about you until I sulked really hard at him." He could feel Yanagi raising his head a little, perhaps wondering at the change of topic. "I wasn't really angry, I just wanted to see how he'd react. He did go along with it and not mention you again for the day, but it didn't feel natural. He tries, but he isn't careful like you — say, if he was sitting where you are, he wouldn't try to avoid touching my scars the way you're doing. The thought wouldn't come to him."

"It doesn't mean he thinks about you less."

"It means he doesn't think about you less." Yukimura had to stop himself from sighing, not because of the way things were, as he saw them, but because Yanagi couldn't see them. "You have everything, Renji. The only thing I can win against you is tennis. I can't and I won't win Genichirou from you."

Yanagi's breath was shaking. "What are you talking about."

"Just because I told you years ago that I fancied him, it doesn't mean I've ringfenced him. And just because I like him, it doesn't mean I don't love you."

"I was right about how you always confuse me."

"Ask him out, Renji. Go on a date with him, like we've done. Forget about me for the day and see how it goes."

"Why—"

"Because I know the three of us can overcome this hurdle whichever way this ends up. And if I can only have one of you and lose the other, I'd rather have nothing at all."

Yanagi fell silent.

"Mind you, I'm much better at dates than he is."

"It won't happen."

"Just drag him out, you won't even need—"

"He's mad at me. He won't want to see me."

"What happened?"

Yanagi just shook his head.

"He'll never not want to see you. Do I need to kick you for being pessimistic or him for being a turd?"

"No, it's my fault." The arms around Yukimura wound tighter.

Yukimura wasn't going to argue; he knew the way his friends' minds worked. "Even if it was, it was because he was being an idiot or a stubborn arse or both."

"Whatever the case—"

"The letter," Yukimura interrupted, "the one you gave back to me this morning. It's not a confession letter."

"I'm not keeping up with the rapidly changing topic, Seiichi."

"Do you remember that I asked you to give it to Sanada only if I died, but I must have it back otherwise?"

"Yes."

Yukimura asked for the letter to be given to Sanada if his operation failed. Dead people's feelings didn't matter; Yukimura had no plan to let Sanada know something that nothing could be done about, and therefore irrelevant.

The letter was about Yanagi.

"If you'd given it to him, he'd have found out about you," said Yukimura. "I knew you'd never forgive me for it but frankly, if I died I wouldn't need your forgiveness. Anyway, when I wrote it I was off my head with whatever the doctors were pumping into me. And I'm only telling you now because I've told you how I feel about you both. Maybe you still won't forgive me. In that case, be with Genichirou, you don't need to be considerate for me then."

The heartbeat against Yukimura's back was frantic.

Yukimura kept his voice level, showing none of the anxiety he felt. "Say something. Even if you want me to stop to let you off."

It was only a few moments later that Yanagi began to chuckle helplessly and humourlessly. "We're so similar."

In the way that they were both ready to sacrifice friendship so that the other could be with Genichirou, "yeah, I guess."

"So what do we do now?"

"Now I drop you in front of Genichirou's house, and you ask him out."

"Maybe not in front..."

"Fine, I'll park a bit further away."

They navigated their way through the maze of quiet streets to the end of the road where Yanagi lived next to Sanada. Yukimura was ready to drive away after Yanagi got off the moped, but there seemed to be something Yanagi wanted, so he switched off the engine and followed him down an alleyway between two houses.

"You're right, you are a little bit short."

Yukimura blinked. Was Yanagi... "If you're sure you want to bend down for me..."

"I—I don't know how I feel right now. But I do want to. If you don't mind."

Their kiss was short, but sweet. Yukimura gave in to temptation and cupped Yanagi's face as their lips pressed together, feeling his heart race because of such simple contact, because Yanagi wanted to do this with him.

It was Yukimura who pulled away first, the winter air suddenly cold against his lips. "Go find him."

After a slow, unsure nod, Yanagi headed home. Yukimura stood at the end of the alleyway and watched the figure disappear from view before making his own way home, a smile dancing on his lips.

That night, Yukimura went to bed and dreamt about being in a house with a view of the sea. He was on a balcony. potted plants on one side and shirts drying on a clothesline on the other. When he turned around, he saw Yanagi in the lounge reading some kind of heavy text and looking like he was thoroughly enjoying himself.

When Yukimura stepped back inside, though, Yanagi closed the book. "Tea?" he asked, standing up and stretching elegantly.

"Juice."

Yanagi left for a minute and reappeared with two cups of tea and a glass of juice. At that moment, the front door opened and Sanada came in carrying bags of food.

Yukimura watched the scene unfold, confused. So where was this place? Was this his home, or their home?

"The food will get cold if you don't hurry up, Seiichi."

Yukimura grinned at them, wry. "You guys were the ones who were taking forever."

Sanada looked puzzled whereas Yanagi sighed and shook his head; he never did like being made fun of, even if it was good-natured. Yukimura went over to him and squeezed his arm.

"Dips on the middle of the bed tonight."

"You always complain about us squashing you when you're in the middle."

"Doesn't mean I don't want the middle. Just try not to squash me."

"Try not to get squashed. You're not exactly small."

"No, but you're massive," Yukimura said, grinning, "and immovable like a mountain."

Reaching over to slap Yukimura on the head, Sanada noticed even Yanagi was laughing, hiding his quiet chuckles behind a hand. Sanada's expression softened for a brief second before returning to what Yukimura used to call "tarundoru mode", and he announced that he was going to eat, even if the rest of them didn't want any.

"I have to say, you are the one who sleeps like a dead log, Seiichi..."

"If I'm in the middle then nobody has to climb over me to get out of bed..."

"But climbing on top of you is the best part of the morning..."

"Renji! I can't believe you just said that..."

"I blame your bad influence..."

*

When Yukimura woke up the next morning, he stared at the ceiling until he gradually realised that he had dreamt about his ideal future, where none of them had to choose or sacrifice.


	11. Chapter 11

When his phone beeped during dinner, he ignored it. Apparently this sort of etiquette was rare nowadays, but Yanagi considered it rude to leave the table during a meal, especially when there was a guest around.

"More rice, Sanada-san?"

Sanada rose from his seat and passed his bowl over with both hands, thanking Yanagi's mother politely. She refilled it right to the top and then some more.

"It must be strange to be all by yourself for two weeks."

"It's quiet. My grandfather visited earlier today to check on me but he left again quickly."

"You know it is a vote of confidence from your parents don't you, letting you choose how to spend your winter break as you wish."

"Yes..."

"Your mother mentioned this to me a few weeks before, 'my husband and I decided it's time to treat our youngest as a grown man.' I'm not supposed to tell you this, of course."

Yanagi quietly listened to the conversation between his best friend and his mother. Earlier on in the afternoon she asked him to invite Sanada over, worried that Sanada would not bother to have a proper hot meal when his family was away. It was the first time they spoke to each other since the phone call three nights ago and Yanagi didn't know what to say except relay his mother's message, and Sanada said nothing much either apart from accepting the invitation.

After the meal, his mother cleared the table, mumbled something about her late-returning husband, and told the children to leave her to it. Yanagi checked the message on his phone.

_Have you asked him out yet?_

_Sorry, I chickened out._ Yanagi told Yukimura, then lifted his gaze to meet Sanada's. "Upstairs?"

_:(  
I'd mock you except I know exactly how hard it is._

_Surprised by your non-mockery.  
Now I feel like I was too easy._

_You knew I was going to be a great date that's all._

_Don't be too smug; I haven't forgiven you for the letter yet._

_< 3;;;_

They climbed the stairs to Yanagi's room. Sanada shut the door behind them.

They hadn't talked for two days and it already felt like an age. Yanagi looked for ways of breaking the ice but found none, so he went straight to the point. "Seiichi has the letter now."

Even though it turned out the content of the letter wasn't what he imagined, his task was done. There was so much he wanted to ask Yukimura — at the time he thought he understood what Yukimura meant, but the more he thought about things afterwards the more confused he became — but there had not been the chance yet. And now he had to deal with Sanada.

"Thanks." If Sanada was wearing his baseball cap, he would be tugging its brim down now. Not being able to hide in the usual manner, his gaze fell to the floor, resting on the space between their feet. "About the other day... sorry, I got carried away and said some nasty things."

Pretending — Yanagi had this down to a fine art now. He wore his blank face for half a second before showing that he remembered what Sanada was referring to. "No, you were totally right. I'm glad you pointed it out. I..." he paused, quickly coming up with a way to prevaricate this, "I suppose it was my way of coping with Seiichi's problems. Pushing things onto you wasn't right or fair. I'm sorry."

Lies.

He sat down on his folded futon and Sanada pulled out the chair from under the desk for himself.

"He is going to see the doctor weekly. It won't be long before he gets better, Renji."

"The cake bribery worked, then?"

"You knew it would, otherwise you wouldn't have made me do it!"

"I wasn't sure, actually."

Lies.

Sanada sighed. "Thanks to you, I have to set aside a cake budget in my allowance."

"You could always learn to bake."

"Very funny."

"It's not that difficult, I've done it before." Yanagi could, at this point, offer to teach Sanada how to bake. It would almost be like a date, then. Spending time alone together, the way he and Yukimura did. But he couldn't make himself say it; he had spent too long doing the exact opposite. "Baking is like chemistry. If you follow—"

"Can you show me, then? Tomorrow?"

He couldn't. He could, but he couldn't. "I was going to go to the library..."

Lies.

"The books won't go anywhere. Come and help me. Please."

"I... guess."

After Sanada left, Yanagi thought about telling Yukimura about this, but decided against it. Yukimura said Yanagi should forget about him and go out with Sanada for a day. Helping Sanada bake for Yukimura was not going to achieve this.

At least this was safe territory. He wasn't changing anything, wasn't pushing boundaries and therefore making Sanada angry at him. When his lies stopped working, when the feelings he had banished before assaulted him relentlessly, when someone he cared deeply about claimed to love him too and said they pursued the same happiness, at least he had this one familiar thing to hold on to. There was going to be no rejection because they were only getting together for the sake of someone else, not for themselves.

Yanagi didn't know how he felt anymore.

*

Nobody answered the bell, so Yanagi tested the front gate, found it was open and let himself in. He passed by the front door and headed towards the dojo, where he knew Sanada must be.

Seeing Sanada practise gekiken always reminded Yanagi of the first time he visited this place, not long after his family moved into the house next door. Yukimura was here, too, both of them sitting in the cloister, eating wagashi and being mesmerised by Sanada's form. That was the day both he and Yukimura, aged eleven, fell for this boy. But while Yukimura freely admitted to his feelings, Yanagi could not even comprehend his own, let alone put them into words.

Perhaps it didn't happen that way, he could have added to the memory over the years and believed it all to be real. Could it really have started that long ago?

"You can come in, Renji."

Yanagi removed his shoes and stepped into the building — one did not simply wander in when someone was practising with a live blade, that was the first thing Sanada's family taught him when they realised Yanagi was going to be a permanent fixture in Sanada's life.

"I'll be done soon."

"Don't worry about me, take your time." Yanagi picked a corner, sat down and watched until his friend finished his routine, put the sword away and went over to him, offering to help him up. Just a few days ago, at the start of winter break, he found Sanada here, his clothing in disarray, moaning in his dreams. The name on his lips was not Yukimura's but—

Yanagi stood up without taking the proffered hand. "Go take a shower, then we can do some baking."

Confused, Sanada let his hand drop. They went to the main part of the house. "My grandfather is still asking if you want to learn. He thinks you're good material."

"I'm good at watching."

"Is it really that interesting to watch?"

"Having an appreciation for arts doesn't mean I want to partake in all of them. Watching is enough for me."

"If you say so."

When Sanada had cleaned up, Yanagi explained the recipe, and they got to work. Sanada followed each step of the instructions diligently, making it his best effort the way he did with every task he took on. His concentration meant things were unusually quiet, so Yanagi decided to give some reassurance.

"I'm sure Seiichi will appreciate this."

"Hmm," replied Sanada, not looking up as he carefully compacted the biscuit base right up to the edge of the cake tin.

Watching Sanada do this was quite amusing — it was almost adorable. He really would do anything for Yukimura. "So, how do you feel about him? If I'm not pushing, would you satisfy my curiosity?"

This made Sanada glance up briefly. "How do I feel about him?"

"Romantically, of course."

"I don't know." Sanada looked up again, this time actually stopping what he was doing to catch Yanagi's eyes. "I'm not dodging your question, I simply just don't know."

It was an answer that surprised Yanagi, both in its directness and its honesty.

"How about compared with your ex-girlfriend?"

"This is much more complicated than that."

"Surely it doesn't need to be?"

Sanada didn't answer. This time he seemed almost angry, as if there were words he was barely holding back. His breath caught in his throat, Yanagi dipped his head, worried that he'd made his friend upset. "Sorry. I don't mean to push. Force of habit."

Lies.

Sanada made no comment. They finished making the cake in silence and put it in the oven.

"Is there anything you want to do while we wait?"

Yanagi had been planning to beat a swift retreat. "When the cake is done, you leave it to cool and then put it in the fridge. You really don't need me for that."

Sanada didn't seem to be listening. "I'll make us some tea. Can you turn the heater on?"

Hearing that tone, Yanagi relented. He was certain there was something Sanada wanted to talk about, he didn't want to abandon him now.

They sat down in the room next to the kitchen, legs under the kotatsu. It was, of course, not a new invention and Yanagi had one at home too, but the novelty of it always delighted him. More relaxed now, he sipped his tea and waited for Sanada to begin.

"So... have you thought about university yet?"

"A little." Not sure if he was comfortable with this topic, Yanagi turned the question around. "Has your grandfather been quizzing you?"

"Just yesterday." Sanada sighed. "I said I'm looking into it but... anyway, what are your plans? You must know what you're going to do already."

True. Yanagi always liked to plan ahead. He wasn't sure how much of these plans he should share, however. "Unless you mess up next year's exams very badly, you are more or less guaranteed a place in Rikkaidai. Unless you're thinking of going elsewhere?"

"I don't even know what I want to study, let alone where to do it. I guess my grandfather is right, I'm getting too comfortable."

"It doesn't surprise me that you'd think that way, but you're the one who used to carry a 12kg piece of rock in your bag for 'training'." Yanagi chuckled. "Personally I think there's nothing wrong with being comfortable."

"Hn, like I would actually believe you haven't looked into it and know what you're going to do already."

Sanada was getting too good at turning the topic back around. Yanagi chewed his lip and tried not to panic.

"Come on, Renji. Why are you being so secretive?"

"Promise you won't get mad at me."

"Why?" Suspicious, Sanada leaned forward, putting his tea aside. When Yanagi didn't answer, he frowned. "Fine, I promise."

Sanada was still going to be angry, but Yanagi would have to tell him sooner or later. Might as well let it be now. Maybe with a kotatsu between them, Sanada wouldn't hit him and then have to deal with the guilt afterwards. "I've been offered a place at Waseda."

Silence. And then Sanada leaned over a bit more. "What?"

"I took their early admissions test and have been accepted."

Sanada took a moment to digest this. The expression on his face was impossible to decipher.

"I only received their confirmation letter a few days ago, and then... things happened, and there hadn't been the chance to tell you."

Lies.

"But you didn't even tell me about taking the admissions test!"

"You promised not to get angry."

"But why didn't you say anything? Yes you're the smartest one out of all of us by a long mile and I most likely won't pass that sort of test anyway but you could have at least told me!"

"I knew you'd want to finish school properly and play another year of high school tennis. I didn't want to put pressure on you to choose something you don't want."

Lies.

"You don't want to spend another year with us?"

"This isn't about anyone but me." Yanagi took a deep breath, willing his lips to stop quivering. "I just think it's time for me to grow out of Rikkai."

Lies.

Their eyes met and Yanagi forced himself not to look away.

"This isn't about Seiichi and me, is it?"

"Of course not. If I can skip a year and advance to university then why shouldn't I? Time is precious."

Lies.

It had been a long time since Yanagi last saw Sanada looking like this, as if he was ready to blow. "I should go." Yanagi scooted back and began to stand up, sure that he was no longer welcomed here.

"No. Stay where you are."

Leaving those words, Sanada got up and went to the kitchen to check on the cake. When he returned he looked a lot calmer.

"I left the cake by the window."

"Good idea, it'll cool down faster."

They ran out of conversation. Yanagi wished he was at home instead.

"So, Waseda. Which campus?"

"It would be Tokyo."

"Where else did you apply to?"

Of course Sanada knew he wouldn't only try for one university. "I'm waiting for replies from Keidai and Kyoto."

Now Sanada didn't seem angry, just upset. "You really are determined to leave."

"Genichirou..."

"Which course?"

"Hm? Economics." Seeing the confusion on his friend's face, Yanagi added, "You thought I would go for something like history or literature. But it's hard to get a job with those degrees, and studying something I love would only destroy my love for it."

"I see."

"If you want to say I'm selling out, that's fine, because I am."

"Which place do you want to get into the most?"

All things considered, Sanada should be telling Yanagi what a terrible friend he was for doing all this on the sly, rather than asking these questions. Matters were not playing out as Yanagi predicted and he didn't know how to react.

"Whichever one offers the best scholarship. But if everything was equal, Kyoto would be my first choice."

Sanada nodded. "Kyoto would suit you better than Tokyo."

"Y-yes..."

"But you're after the scholarships?"

Sanada wasn't supposed to want to know these things. How much should he tell him? "Waseda's scholarship is enough for me to live comfortably away from home."

They fell silent again. The words were beginning to come together in Sanada's head, Yanagi could tell. Little nuggets of information he had mentioned in the past, together with what he said just now, forming the bigger picture he had been overlooking for a while.

"You haven't talked about it for a while. I guess I assumed things improved," said Sanada, his gaze fixed on the furniture between them. "No, perhaps I just haven't been listening. And we talked about going to university and living together, back in middle school, but I've forgotten about it until now. Sorry, Renji."

"There is nothing to be sorry for. In fact, I'm sorry I hadn't told you sooner. Please forgive me."

Sanada shook his head, got up and went into the kitchen again. "Do you remember middle school?" His voice drifted through the open doorway.

Where did Sanada learn this topic-changing skill from? Yukimura? "Which part?"

"When Seiichi fell ill in year two, and didn't come back to school until summer of year three."

"That bit is quite hard to forget."

"You practically taught him all of the syllabus he missed so that he could graduate together with us."

Ah. Yanagi could see where this was going. "I know you're angry that I'm moving ahead this time. You have every right to be."

"No, I don't. And that's not what I'm getting at." Sounds of drawers opening and closing could be heard from the kitchen. "You helped Seiichi when all I managed to do was get stuck in a rut and nearly ruined the tennis club. You saved that, too. The club almost imploded. We wouldn't even have got to the regionals, let alone the nationals, had you not been there to talk people out of leaving."

"You handled it much better when Seiichi relapsed last year." How did Sanada find out about that? "And they weren't really serious about leaving."

Lies.

"That doesn't mean I hadn't been a jerk." Sanada reappeared, a plate in his hand. "You chose not to tell me things since around that time, right? There was no way I could have noticed you needed a friend when I couldn't even sort myself out."

"Don't over-analyse it, Genichirou. We were teenagers. We still are. None of us is perfect." Yanagi's voice trailed off when Sanada sat back down and put the plate in front of him. On the plate was a slice of cake. "But you made it for Seiichi."

"He can't eat it all by himself." Breathing out deeply, Sanada allowed himself to slouch a little. "I know it's lousy of me to give you what you helped me make, but anyway... I haven't been a good friend to you. You help me with everything, fix what I've done wrong, listen to my rants, give me advice even when I'm hopeless at following it. Whereas I have no idea where I was when you needed me."

He should say something. But words, something Yanagi always depended on, left him this time.

"Thank you. And sorry, Renji." Sanada's face was starting to flush red. "You said this to me a while ago and it's time for me to promise the same: I'm here if you need me."

Nothing was going as Yanagi expected. When the back of his eyes began to sting, he rested an elbow on the kotatsu, cradled his forehead and shielded eyes, as if to hide himself from the shame. "Don't you get embarrassed saying things like that?"

"You said it first!"

"That was over the phone." Still hiding his eyes, he picked up the fork with his free hand. "I'll try this cake then."

If Sanada noticed anything unusual in Yanagi's voice, he said nothing about it. "It's still warm so it might be a bit weird."

The cake was warm, soft, and perhaps more meaningful than Yanagi was prepared for.

"It's good. Seiichi will like it."

"But what do _you_ think?"

"It's acceptable." Yanagi sniffed. "Would be better with some fresh tea."

Lies.

"I'll make you some." Sanada got up, gave his friend a squeeze on the shoulder, and left him alone.

*

Yanagi had the same conversation three times that day. His mother's reaction, after he showed her the scholarship offer from Waseda University, was "well done, I always knew you're smart" and a smile that, to Yanagi, felt somewhat sinister. No doubt she would turn this into some kind of ammunition against her husband, something like "look, even the children don't need you." It was exactly this kind of acidity that he needed to escape from. He told Yukimura this during the third conversation, over the phone.

"To others this must be just a small thing. I know I'm being over sensitive—"

"You're not over sensitive — you're very empathetic. If you feel that your environment isn't good for you, then you're right to look for a way out before you lose your love and respect for them entirely."

Yukimura always knew the right thing to say. "Thank you."

"But does that mean you won't play tennis with us anymore?"

"Not as part of the high school team."

"Hmm." Yukimura sounded more thoughtful than upset. "But you'll have your own place?"

"Yes. The scholarships are quite generous."

"Brilliant! That'd be amazing!" The voice in the earpiece sounded so genuinely happy it made Yanagi smile. "Just don't think you're getting away from me."

Yanagi laughed. "Perhaps there can be a bed for you."

"You mean you aren't going to let me sleep in yours?"

It took Yanagi three whole seconds to come up with something. "Seiichi, I'm not that kind of girl."

Yukimura's laugh sounded almost like a giggle.

"So, you've told Genichirou?"

"Earlier today. He took it surprisingly well."

"Did you guys go on a date?"

"No." Yanagi rubbed his forehead, still sporting a mild headache from the emotional rollercoaster earlier.

"Renji."

"I don't know how."

"Start by telling the truth."

How did the conversation come to this? "I don't know how."

"Compulsive lying won't get you anywhere."

"Seiichi, please. I'm trying. And it's not compulsive."

"I can translate for you if you aren't fluent in truth-speak."

"Because you have successfully asked him out yourself?"

"Touché," said Yukimura. "Though, I seem to remember a guy I had a date with saying something like 'do as I say, not as I do.'"

Yanagi sighed.

"Renji, let's go out again? Or come to mine and we can watch DVDs?"

Somewhere private where Yanagi could ask his questions. "Would I seem too easy if I said let's go to yours?"

"No, it means I'm really lucky."

Yanagi couldn't quite believe the words that left his mouth next. Yukimura was such a bad influence. "Maybe I'll be the lucky one."

Another laugh extracted from Yukimura. "We'll see what kind of girl I am, then! Tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow is a bit soon."

"Yes, I want to know all about your uni plans!"

"All right. See you then. Sleep well."

"You too."

*

Yanagi was the type of person who often could not remember his dreams fully. This time was no different.

He was running, running and running. His lecture at Kyoto University ended later than expected and there was no time to lose — the teahouse was about to close. WIthout it, without the baked cheesecake, he would not be able to save his world.

From Kyoto to Kanagawa, he ran. In his head he heard the Rikkai chant, and it spurred him on.

Still, he arrived too late. Ten minutes past six. Perhaps someone would still be there, closing up. Perhaps he could beg for a bit of cake.

The place was lit. In the dusk, it was as if it was calling for Yanagi. He walked closer, each step unsure, then the door opened.

"Renji."

Yukimura smiled, beckoned for Yanagi to go inside, then he flipped the little sign on the door to "closed".

"He's here," Yukimura called.

"I'm so sorry I'm late."

Yukimura shook his head, his expression soft and kind. "The Master arrives at exactly when he means to, and no sooner."

From the kitchen door at the far end, Sanada emerged, carrying something in his hands. Cheesecake?

"Seiichi is right; you're right on time."

What happened after that, Yanagi couldn't recall, although he tried to remember from the moment he woke to the moment he rang Yukimura's doorbell. Did they share the cake? Who got the final slice?

Yukimura answered the door, his smile warm, genuine.

"Renji. Perfect timing."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 2021. Can you believe this is still going? No, I can't either lol.


End file.
